The months to come were hard to say the least. Grant and I confronted Josephine about outing me to my mother. She told us that she thought what we were doing was wrong, and she wanted someone else to be going through “this” with her. We told her that what she did was not ok, and it was not her place to talk to my mother about a personal matter.

She did not react well to this, and her ill behavior toward me started to become worse through the month of December. The insults increased, she would “accidentally” bump me or hit me with something when she walked passed me, and she even started to be dismissive to my dog Max. Then to top it off Grant’s brother, Elliot,  had come to live with us for a period of time because he did not have a place to live.

Elliot got into trouble through his high school years. After graduating, he decided to join the Marines. At first, it was the best thing for him. It gave him structure, and a support structure he didn’t have in his life. Unfortunately, after a particular duty in Iraq, he came home a lost soul. He struggled with holding a job, he started drinking excessively, and got into hard drugs. 

We let him come live with us to help him get back on his feet. Grant worked with him to go out and get applications for employment, worked with the VA to get him on the correct medications, and loaned him a lot of money in the interim. Grant bent over backwards to help him, but in my eyes, Elliot never appreciated the level of support he got from his brother.

Less than a month from when he moved in, he still had no job, jewelry started missing, Elliot stole my credit card and ran it up on drugs and booze. It was awful. I didn’t feel safe in my own home. The thing that pushed me over, if stealing my credit card wasn’t enough, was when he kicked Max, my pug, when Max was begging for food. That pushed it to far for me. I yelled at him saying that he needed to get out of my house, all while picking up Max to comfort him. 

Needless to say this did not go over well with Josephine. Elliot was her baby, and he could do no wrong. She pitched a toddler like tantrum to Grant so that Elliot could stay a little longer. I was not ok with this, and took Max and stayed with David and Ellie for the weekend. It is one thing to hurt me, but it is UNACCEPTABLE to hurt my baby.

While I was away for the weekend, I did a lot of processing with David. He agreed that this situation was not healthy. We worked on a conversation that I needed to have with Grant about my feelings on it. I have a tendency of not being the best with words when I am upset, so I tried to pre plan the topics that I needed to say.

When I went home, I had a hard conversation with Grant that both Josephine and Elliot needed to find a new place to live. This was not a healthy situation for any of us to be in anymore. He agreed that something needed to be done, so we told them that they both needed to find a new place to live, and we let Josephine know we would take the mortgage completely into our name like we had agreed upon in the beginning. 

She was furious about this and went to her friend that was a lawyer and had an agreement made up. This agreement ended up becoming my own personal go straight to jail card. In the agreement it stated many insane things such as:

1. She could stay for another 6 months to get herself ready to move.
2. She could have at the house whomever she pleases ( meaning Elliot could stay )
3. If Grant and I were to have someone over, we needed to clear it with Josephine first, because she is feeling unsafe in her house. She could not say no to family members. 
4. She had a section written up saying that neither David nor Ellie were allowed at the house anymore.
5. There was a statement on how I had to be nice to her, or everything was null and void.
6. We also needed to give her $15,000 payout for “her” portion of the house. This was not in our original agreement, but she thought she now deserved money.

I flew off the hinges, and just started crying when I read this. She was making it so I basically couldn’t be in my house. I wouldn’t have even done anything to her, and she still would say that I did. And now she was saying I could not  have my partners at the house as well? What the hell? And I would have to continue to deal with Elliot? Something had to give here.

Grant and I worked with the lawyer, and we were able to make some compromises to this, but in the end, I had to live with her for another 6 months, and David was not allowed at the house passed 10PM. We did get her to agree to let Ellie stay the night, and we still had to pay her the money. I thought the next six months would be my personal prison, constantly walking a tightrope. Turns out, six months turned into a year and a half.

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My birthday came around, David, Grant, Ellie, and I all went out to a great dinner and Fire & Ice in Boston, and back to Limelight to have my karaoke encore! I got all dressed up to go out, I even had my hair professionally done. I wanted to look beautiful for my birthday! 

Fire & Ice is one of my favorite restaurants. I went there for 6 years straight on my birthday, for my birthday dinners! There is something about going and choosing your own food, and then watching the chef’s cook the food right in front of you. It was very exciting, and the chef’s were always so animated.

If they found out there was an event happening, they would sing to the person. Whether it was “Happy Birthday” on your Birthday, or “Going to the Chapel” if you were getting married. This is a place to go to have a fun, but loud, meal. 

My papa died on my birthday the year before.

Though I love to go out and celebrate my birthday, it was also especially hard for me this year. My papa died on my birthday the year before. I tried to look at the bright side of it, I liked to think that it made us closer than we were, he was my personal guardian angel. I am not religious, but I like to think he is still watching over me.

The Saturday after my birthday, both David and Grant made the trip with me to visit my Papa’s grave. I remember sitting in the car, shaking because I was nervous to be going to visit him, I hadn’t been there in a year. David asked me about some of my favorite memories of him. He said that this helps him get through hard situations like these. So I shared some of my favorite stories.

I told them about how my Papa gave me my very first glass doll. I still have it sitting in my room to this day. It was a beautiful brunette doll with banana curled hair, a pink frilly dress, and a pink bonnet. The cool surprise was that it played music as well. There was a small knob on her back that you could twist to hear the song “Let Me Call You Sweetheart.”

When I was little I used to hold his hands and crawl up his legs, and do a flip. I used to go his house on the cape every summer! He was a woodworker, I used to love going out to his garage and watch him make things for people! I always hoped he would continue coming out with all of his fingers. He did lose his middle finger to woodworking. He went to the hospital with it on ice, and decided it was taking to long so they had them cauterize the wound, so he from then on had half a middle finger.

He will always be the voice behind the camcorder asking me silly questions on my birthdays. The one who would fly 80 miles an hour down the interstate and let me moon the people behind us with his little mooning doll in the back window of his truck. And our sing alongs on our long car rides that consisted of “Sing Low Sweet Chariot,” and “Fuzzy Wuzzy Bear.”

When I was younger he took so much time building my very first doll-house, wallpapering it, putting electricity through the whole house, and then getting mad and forgiving me pretty much instantly when I painted the roof with pink nail polish. 

I won’t forget getting a rope tied around me so that I could go swimming in the pond down the cape, he didn’t want to get in the water so if i went to far he would pull me back in. I will always miss the chocolate chip cookies and gingersnaps he would send me as care packages in college, and the baked beans and pork he would never not make whenever I went to the cape. I will always miss going down and and seeing him sit in his old blue recliner watching westerns, and fighting with me over who gets to use the old blue quilt. This became known as the “Papa/Shannon quilt.” I remember going to Seafood Sams, and laughing every time the vibrating lobster buzzer to let us know our food was done, startled me. 

We stopped on the way to the cemetery to pick up flowers to put down on his grave. I didn’t see anything in particular that I liked, so we got him a little Christmas tree. We put some small decorations on it to make it look nice. Then we continued the last 10 minutes of the drive.

As we pulled up to the spot, it took me a second to get out of the car. I just looked at the grave and tears welled in my eyes. I felt a rush of the pain and sadness that I felt the year before, in this exact place, and I started to cry. Grant came around to my door and opened it, I got out of the car and both David and Grant gave me a big hug.

I walked up the tiny hill, and under the beautifully cascading tree to see my papa’s name written on the stone below me. I reached down and pushed the debris off his head stone, and then just laid my hand over his name. I continued to cry, and set the tree on the headstone. We stood there for a little while, and I continued to tell them some of my favorite memories. Though it was hard to be there, I am so glad I had the support of both of my loves that day. They made it easier, and helped me relive my favorite memories of him, which brought me so much joy and light-heartedness. This is when I realized how lucky I was, even though I was going through a rough time at home.

Highlights/ Learned Lessons:

1. Whenever entering any kind of agreement with someone that involves property, always get it in writing.
2. Animal cruelty is never acceptable
3. It is ok to set up boundaries, even with families, especially when you are in an unhealthy or unsafe situation.
4. Being polyamorous has opened up my life to a larger support system, and so much love. 

I had so many things to be thankful this year at Thanksgiving. Things were beginning to get better between Grant and I, and I had David and Ellie in my life. This was a year that we had decided to host Thanksgiving at our house for our families. Grant was a great cook! He made the most excellent Turkey that year!

My mom had come over a few days before Thanksgiving, to help me get ready for having everyone over. We have a rather large family, so it was going to be a full house. I was excited because it was the first holiday in a while that I could spend time with both of my brothers! They were coming with their wives, and my new little niece! So I wanted everything to be perfect.

This was when I noticed that she was starting to get quiet.

Mom helped me clean the house, and she helped me prepare most of the food. She has always been good about stepping in and helping me, know matter when I have needed her. It was also nice spending a few, consecutive, days with her, We hadn’t been able too since I moved to Massachusetts. However, at a certain point my mom started acting a little off. I knew something was up, even though she said there was nothing wrong. We decided to watch the Hallmark movie, The Christmas Shoes. This was based on a song that always made both of us cry, but we both had wanted to see it. This was when I noticed that she was starting to get quiet.

The next day was Thanksgiving, and everything seemed to be normal again, and the day went without a problem. The food, and the turkey came out amazingly. I had my great aunt visiting for this Thanksgiving. We had picked her up from the nursing home for the day, so that she could spend it with her family. Seeing her interact with my baby niece at the time was so heart-warming to watch. She loved babies, and my niece is definitely a social, and happy baby.

Later on in the day Ellie and David stopped by, after they were finished with Thanksgiving at Ellie’s families’ house. We introduced them as our friends at the time, my family wouldn’t have known the difference because we already had Grant’s two best friends come by because they didn’t have a place to go for the day. My mom wasn’t really her normal friendly self when she met them – I didn’t think much of this. 

While they were there I snuck them upstairs to show them “something,” but in all actuality it was so we could give them a kiss. It was nice to see Ellie and David on the holiday! When we went back downstairs my family was packing up to get ready to head home, it was starting to get late. I gave them all hugs and kisses and sent them off. David and Ellie stayed for a little while and then headed home as well, David had to head to Natalies that night, to help prepare for Friendsgiving the next day. I went to bed, happy, everything had gone so well!

The phone started ringing. I looked at my clock, it was 6.am, and it was my mother. What did she want this early in the morning? I picked up the phone and said hello. I still remember the conversation to this day. She said good morning and said she had to ask me something. She proceeded to ask me who David and Ellie were. This was weird. I told her that they were our friends.

I paused, in shock, not knowing what to say. How dare she do this?

She finally came out with the point she was trying to make. She said that Josephine had talked to her while she was there. Josephine told my mother that we were all sleeping together, and that she was nervous for both Grant and I. Josephine outed me to my mother. I paused, in shock, not knowing what to say. How dare she do this?

At this point I couldn’t go back, and I wasn’t going to lie to my mother now that she knew. I explained to her about polyamory, and that I was dating David while still married to Grant. She didn’t understand, and she wasn’t ok. She said she needed some time to process this, and I understood that. I hung up the phone, feeling traumatized. I just broke down crying. Grant came in the room and asked what was wrong, and I told him. He was just as furious as I was. This could have potentially damaged my relationship with my mother, forever.

Trying to process this, trying to figure out how to confront Grant’s mother about how uncool this was, and I had to get ready for Friendsgiving at Natalie’s house. How could this day get any worse?

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Figuring out what I was going to wear to Friendsgiving, to the event where I was going to meet a metamour who hated me, was nearly impossible. I wanted to look nice, but sexy too. It took me probably an hour, just to pick out the outfit. I decided on a pretty beige dress, with brown flowers stenciled on it, with a pair of brown knee high, high heeled boots. Classy, and Sexy.

We went to pick up Ellie at her apartment. She rode with us to Natalie’s house which was about an hour away. It felt like the longest hour, I was so nervous that it made me nauseous. When the GPS told us that we were almost there, I started shaking in nervousness. And then we got there.

We grabbed a few things that we had brought for the meal out of the trunk, and walked up to the door. David was waiting for us with the door open, and a big smile. It gave me butterflies, despite the fact that I was shaking and wobbling in my boots. We got up to the door, Ellie gave David a hug and a kiss on the lips, and then I got up to David and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I looked over and there was Natalie, giving me dagger eyes, with a fake smile on her face. I felt immediately that she did not want me there.

I remember she barely touched my hand, and made it super quick, like she would catch something by touching me.

David brought us in the house and introduced us. We said hello to each other and shook hands. I remember she barely touched my hand, and made it super quick, like she would catch something by touching me. I told her it was nice to meet her, and she just say “yeah” and went into the kitchen. David then gave me a kiss on the lips as she left the room, and told me he was happy that I could make it. Was this how the evening was going to be? Sneaking kisses while she wasn’t looking? Yes, that is exactly what it was.

I was sitting on the couch with Ellie, drinking this amazing Sangria that David and Natalie’s husband had made. It also, become my crutch for the night. Needless to say, the sangria became my friend. Finally, Eli and Bianca showed up. I was so thankful to see friendly faces. They both hated Natalie, but came to support David and myself. David’s good friend, and her fiancé came as well. It was nice getting to know them.

David and Natalie went back and forth between the kitchen and the living room, where everyone was sitting and socializing. David did not acknowledge my existence while Natalie was in the room. He was focused completely on her. I felt uncomfortable, and like a ghost to the person who had invited me. And only when she left the room would he run over to give me a quick kiss, and than follow her. I felt like a big secret, and felt as though he was ashamed of me. Learning what I know now, he was trying to make everyone feel comfortable, and trying to work with her insecurities. Which, is right to do, I just felt a little put to the back burner that night, which was hard for me because I was in the home of someone who obviously hated me.

I could literally feel the ice pierce my skin with her glares

As this pattern continued, and with all the glares that I was getting from Natalie, I was slowly breaking. I could literally feel the ice pierce my skin with her glares, so  I just continued to drink the Sangria, and get drunker, and drunker. Though this was not the healthiest route to take, and admittedly not the smartest, it was a crutch. Bianca was on the same train as me. When we all sat down for dinner, I ended up at the seat furthest away from David. I spent the whole dinner watching them be completely loving, and disgustingly affectionate. All the while Natalie kept looking at me , and when she caught me watching, she would pull David in for a kiss, or caress his hair, claiming her territory. At this point it just made me feel sick. I felt like I was a mistress that got pushed to the back. 

After dinner, I felt so overwhelmed with emotion, that I had to go outside and take a walk. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack right there in the dining room. I just put on my coat and walked out the door. I took a walk down the street and just cried. I felt not wanted, why was I at a place that I could feel the hostility for me? Because I was trying to be a good girlfriend, and try and make friends with another person that was important to David. I was failing at this, how could I make friends with a person who had no interest?

I lost track of the time, I ended up just sitting on a step near their garage, trying to gain the courage to go back in. But I really just didn’t want to, I wanted to go home. David came out and found me sitting there. I just broke into tears when I saw him. I felt disgusted, and hurt by his actions that day, even if he was trying to keep the peace and try to be considerate to everyones emotions. I just wanted to get out of the whole situation, but we were David and Ellie’s ride home. This was a losing situation for David as well, here he was in a situation where two of his partners were in the same place, and not getting along. I felt bad for him, but I still felt hurt. Though he still was giving me kisses in secret, I don’t think he understood how much it hurt me. He thought he was doing best for everyone, but trying to be everything for everyone can at times make it so no one gets what they wanted or needed.

I told David how upset I was, and that I wanted to leave. He was supposed to help with clean up, so he said he would need to talk to Natalie about it. She was not happy about him leaving early, which probably made her dislike me more, but I needed to get out of an environment that was not healthy for me to be in. Eli and Bianca left when we did as well. They didn’t want to stay any longer than they had too. 

When I said goodbye to Natalie, we could barely look at each other. After this, I didn’t want anything to do with her, but I would have to deal with the effects she had on David after any visit he had with her. He would come back and be distant with me for days because he was dealing with her insecurities and belief that he couldn’t love more than 2 people at a time, and she would continuously tell him he needed to dump me. He never did break up with me, but I was his big complication that he didn’t know how to deal with when it came to Natalie. He wanted to make both of us happy, and have multiple successful relationships.  But he was never allowed to act authentically with me, because if he did, he felt guilty. He still hadn’t told Natalie that I told him I loved him yet. He knew she would freak out. It became a continuing pattern, I felt like my relationship was dangling on a thin string, and she had the scissors, just ready to cut it. 

Highlights/ and Learned Lessons:

1. Please don’t out people who have not come out on their own. Especially to their family. This is wrong in my opinion. They should be able to talk about it, with whom they want too, at the time that THEY are ready.
2. Coming out is hard. I had it thrown at me. It was not easy trying to tell my mother exactly what I was doing, especially when she had heard of nothing remotely like it. And she had very monogamous views. She said that she wouldn’t tell the rest of the family, and that I shouldn’t either back then. This has changed since. But it was hard for me to pretend to be someone that I wasn’t. 
3. Don’t force metamours to get along. Yes, it is nice when everyone gets along, but sometimes it just won’t happen. It also builds resentment, and relationship strain. Some personalities will always clash. It is ok for them to not get along. The just shouldn’t affect each others relationship with their mutual partner. 
4. Drinking your emotions and cares away is not the way to go. I find it really just heightens the feelings more, and can actually make it feel worse.
5. David and I have learned a lot from this one experience at friendagiving. He was new to polyamory as well, he made mistakes as humans do. It was a learning experience. He was still learning, as I was, how to balance the emotions and insecurities of multiple people. Honesty and forwardness, though not always easy, we have found to be the best route to take.

Halloween is my favorite time of year! And it seems like I meet a majority of my partners at my halloween parties! Maybe it is just my time of good luck? I don’t know. But every year I rotate between a good and scary costume. The first Halloween that I was polyamorous I decided to go with the dark Alice, from American Mcgee! I was obsessed with this computer game in college, and was so excited when it came out on other consoles! 

We had our annual party at our house, and we also got invited to a goth halloween night with a metal band playing. So my costume was perfect for this! Grant and I went with Ellie and David to this event.  Ellie dressed up as a cat, Grant was the mad hatter, and David was a Panda! I had never been to a metal show before, it is not usually my top choice in music. I prefer pop, rock, and country, but can appreciate all types of music. 

When I got there, I was a little nervous, but also very excited to dance! I have been dancing since highschool. Originally I was studying ballet/modern through the dance program at my high school St. Johnsbury Academy. Then when I went to college I was on the UMF Dance Team! We danced to primarily hip hop music, except for the special seasonal music around the holidays! 

We parked in the back of the lot, and walked in. I remember when I first entered the room, I was slightly overwhelmed with how loud the music was, but I quickly adapted to the environment because David immediately brought me out onto the dance floor. The dance floor became my comfort zone, however it was interesting figuring out how to dance to metal music at first! So I watched the people around me and joined in.

David pulled me in close, so that our bodies were touching and rubbing together, and I could feel his warm breathe across my face, so close we could kiss. He would run his fingers through my hair and down my back, while gazing into my eyes intensely. I felt weak in the knees. Another first experience that  I especially liked, was being in the middle of David and Grant dancing. This was where the name the “shandwich” originated. A Shandwich is when I am in the middle of two people in a hugging / other fashion.

The kissing became heavier, and the next thing I knew, we were headed out to the car. 

David took my hand and we went up to the balcony, we watched the club for a few minutes, and then found a nice little secluded bench to sit at.  He brushed my face with his fingers and kissed me. The kissing became heavier, and the next thing I knew, we were headed out to the car. 

Extracurricular activities happened in the car. This was a first for me, and I don’t understand why some people like it. It is very squished and hard to move. But I guess when you are in a bind, or in the moment it works. Overall, it was a very hot expercerience, and a great memory.

David and I went back into the event, and his makeup was pretty much gone on the lower part of his face  from all the kissing. When we came back into the hall, you could tell that we were up to no good, because we were completely disheveled. It was a wonderful night. I will say the new relationship energy (NRE) was still running high, and the feeling was intoxicating. 

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I got to spend one more date with David before he went away with Natalie to Disney for 4 days. He brought me to a Poly Meetup that was hosted by, at the time, Boston Metro Area Polyamory now known as New England Polyamory. This was only the 2nd or third event they had ever hosted. It was held at a sushi restaurant called Yoki in Cambridge.  I met many new people at this event, some that I would go on some dates with in the future. This ended up becoming a monthly event for us to attend. 

When David went to Disney World with Natalie for their 1 year anniversary, I was excited for them, but also a bit on edge. He wasn’t allowed to talk to me except for in secret during the time he was there, because she  made him promise. I was struggling with trying to get onto Natalie’s good side, but it is hard when they made it clear they wanted nothing to do with me.

He sent me some pictures, but I saw a majority of the pictures on Facebook. I will admit my heart sank a little by the end of their trip whenever a picture popped up, because I was struggling with not being able to talk to him. This was the longest we had gone without talking since we had started dating; and it almost felt like torture, to the point where I didn’t want to go on Facebook in the off chance that I would see yet another picture. The last picture I saw was of them on a riverboat, and it made me sick to my stomach. I didn’t like feeling like this. 

He sent me a picture of a pin that he got me. In the end I ended up having to give him money for the pin because Natalie didn’t like the idea that he was getting me a gift on their vacation It seemed pretty petty in my personal opinion on her part, but it was a nice gesture by him nonetheless. I collect the Disney pins; I have a whole book of them from the many trips that I have made throughout my life after they became popular. I have gone to Disney world every 2-3 years since I was 5 years old.

Natalie didn’t think that Ellie was fit to be a mother, and told David that if he ever had a baby with Ellie, they would break up.

While they were away, I spent a lot of time with Ellie and Grant. Ellie had told me that she had been struggling with Natalie as well. Natalie didn’t think that Ellie was fit to be a mother, and told David that if he ever had a baby with Ellie, they would break up. In my opinion, the nerve of her! Ellie was his wife, and they had been together at the time for 13 years; and Natalie  had been with him for a year and she was setting up those kinds of ultimatums? It baffled me at the time that David would even cater to that idea at all.

Ellie and I are both early childhood teachers, so we spent a lot of time talking about children. She took me to a store in Concord, Massachusetts called Barefoot Books which sold unique children’s stories, and musical books. This was right up my alley because I love music. Unfortunately, the store is no longer there, but you can order their books online. When we were there there was a little clay working area in the back. So the children that we are inside came out and we went and painted some clay pieces! I painted a little piggy bank!

The other little excursion we took while David was still on vacation was to Salem with Grant. It was an interesting experience for me, because it was the first time that we were outwardly affectionate and showing we were poly in the daytime, in public. We were walking through downtown Salem holding hands. I was holding Grant’s hand and Ellie was on the other side. For the most part it wasn’t an issue, but we definitely got some disapproving glares.

While we were there we visited this amazing little bakery called A&J King Artisan Bakers, and if you love pineapple upside-down cake, or pretty much anything baked, this is the place to go! It is amazingly tasty, and reasonably priced. We bought a cake to bring home as well. The next stop was to a fortune teller. I will completely admit it, I love this stuff.  The fortune teller told me that I was “embarking on a new and exciting journey, and it will bring you a lot of love.” Well, I guess she was accurate!

That night the three of us went back to Ellie’s apartment and I experienced my first group activity, a threesome. It is an experience I will always remember, Grant took a picture of the three of us together after everything,  and sent it to David. He had a shit eating grin on his face in the photo, it was priceless. 

When David got home from Florida, I was so excited to see him. He gave both Ellie and I huge kisses and gave us our “gifts.” Ellie got a Stitch pillow pet, and I got my pin. The next month of seeing them was so nice. It was pretty much on a weekly basis. However, whenever David came home from Natalie, he always seemed very distanced from me. I could tell he was struggling.

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Board games became a monthly event for David and I. He introduced me his best friend at the time Eli, and his wife Bianca. They had been friends since college, and bonded over some difficult life circumstances, the loss of a parent.

I had never known that board games could be so competitive. These two took it to a new extreme. Their games were always passioned and heated. They went to a monthly board game day at the Topsfield Library. However, in the beginning I was not allowed to go. Natalie wanted that to be just her time. Eli offered to let me come with him on several occasions, because he really liked me, and was not a fan of Natalie. I didn’t go at the time because I did not want to cause drama for David.

Eli hosted many board game days at his house as well. We all became really close. Eli had a pretty big crush on me. I didn’t really see him in that way. He was always very flirty, and wanting to touch me in some way, whether if was brushing my hand with his fingers, or “accidentally” tapping my feet. I didn’t mind, I liked the attention, but I wasn’t interested in much beyond flirting.

At the beginning, when I entered into polyamory, I didn’t feel I could talk to anyone about how I was feeling and what I was processing.

Bianca became one of my best friends at the time. She was someone that I could talk to about my poly struggles, and she could relate, and give me a friendly ear. Eli and Bianca were polyamorous as well. It was definitely nice having someone that I could talk to. At the beginning, when I entered into polyamory, I didn’t feel I could talk to anyone about how I was feeling and what I was processing. I was not ready to come out to my friends yet, so I couldn’t talk to my best friend. I was definitely not ready to come out to my family yet. The support Bianca provided during this period of my life was critical.

David invited us all; Myself, Grant, Ellie, Eli, and Bianca, to a Friendsgiving at Natalie’s house. A Friendsgiving is a time around Thanksgiving that you get many of your friends together and enjoy another Thanksgiving feast! David had talked to Natalie, and told her that it would be a good idea if her and I actually met. He thought that we would actually get along well if we met face to face. Well you have to read about Friendsgiving next time.

What do you think happened?

Highlights/ Learned lessons:

1. Halloween is still my favorite time of year, and I still host a yearly halloween party to this day!
2. Sex in the car is overrated.
3. Joining a community such as BMAP/NEP is a great resource to have when entering into the poly community. You can meet many like-minded people, and build new connections and supports.
4. Ultimatums are never a route to go, it leads to a lot or resentment.
5. Having people cut off all communication with their other partners while you are away is hard. Everyone is different in this way. But people should be able to check in with their other loves while they are away. Not necessarily be in constant contact, but having them cut off complete contact is hurtful to one or all involved.

Josephine lived with us for pretty much the entirety of the relationship between Grant and I. Having her move into the house started off fine, we all got along, but as the years went on, I felt like she became resentful over the original agreed upon living arrangements. His mother was slowly driving a wedge between us in little ways. She would find things to take issue with, whether it be that the house was too messy, or if she had an issue with the way I was doing things. When I walked into the room she was in, she would let Grant know she didn’t feel welcome in the house, and he felt obligated to tell me, to attempt to keep the peace. It was a cycle of drama that never seemed to stop.

She started to become more territorial in the house. We bought a single family cape style home, which is a decent size but not huge. She decided that she wanted more space than her bedroom to have to herself. She wanted her own living room as well. We had several shared spaces in the house, including a living room, dining room, 2 bathrooms, kitchen, and laundry area; but she wanted more living space to herself. She started to mention that she helped us cosign the loan for the mortgage. She began threatening us with lawyers. While I’m sure she felt justified, this put a lot of undue pressure on the relationship between Grant and I.

I was reluctant to give her more space in the house, because there wasn’t much to give. In the end we repurposed our dining room and converted into a second living room. This was not ideal, but it kept the peace. At least for about a month. I felt like she was always looking for conflict. Needing to thrive on having something to complain about. Was today going to be okay, or another multiple hour argument? Growing up family was important. You worked through your conflicts because keeping family around was important right? What am I to do when the man I love is caught between his mother and I? How do I protect my mental health?

What was started as a favor to us, in good faith by his mother, was turning into my living hell.

She was starting to make mean comments in a whisper, when she knew I could hear her but no one else could. If I spoke to her, If I moved “her” pot into the cabinet, it was a slight against her that Grant would be made aware of. Grant and I slid back into not being intimate anymore, and we could feel ourselves drifting apart. We recognized this, so we were trying to find new ways to spice up our life. 

We started to go out to bars and party more, which in turn got me drinking quite frequently. It never affected my work, but it was starting to become excessive. I was drinking my feelings away, which is also something that I had to be careful about because alcoholism runs in my family. This is when we met David and Ellie, and we started down our poly path. Looking back on it now, starting to explore polyamory when our marriage was struggling was not the best decision for our marriage. It was the best decision for me because I was able to realize how dysfunctional my situation really was.

When we were starting to see David and Ellie more, we decided that we needed to be honest with Grant’s mother about who these people were. They were coming to the house frequently, and I am sure she was aware of extra-curricular activities happening. So, Grant and I told her together, that we were exploring polyamory.

All that stuck out to her was “Swinging,” which in turn made the new nasty walk by whisperings to me “slut” and “whore.”

Grant tried his best to put it in words that she would understand. However may not have been the best route to take, he compared it to swinging. While swinging is perfectly acceptable, it wasn’t what we were. I tried to correct him, it was about having more than one committed loving relationship. We can love multiple people at a time. All that stuck out to her was “swinging” which in turn made the new nasty whisperings to me “slut” and “whore.” We felt like being proactive with information would lead to the best outcome.

We were wrong.

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Fast forward…. When I was driving home from work, the day that we were heading to the Cape, I felt like I couldn’t get home fast enough to pack up the car. What was only a 30 min drive home, felt like an eternity. I rolled down the windows and blasted my music to try and pass the time. Patience is a virtue, except when you are beyond excited.

When I finally got home Grant was waiting, and we quickly packed up the car and went to pick up David and Ellie at their apartment. David and Grant were in the front seat, Ellie and I were in the back seat. The ride down to the cape ended up being quite interesting, and cold. 

I saw a car with a headlight out go by,  and the child in me couldn’t help it, I tapped the sealing and said “Padital!” Little did I know this would turn into a crazy game. The terms of the game would be the last person to say padital when the car went by would have to take off an article of clothing. So basically Padital strip poker. 

This game was rigged from the very beginning. The guys in front could see the oncoming traffic before we could, so it happened that Ellie and I got down to pretty much nothing as far as clothing. Then, what did David and Grant decide to do? They rolled down the back windows and locked them. It was FREEZING! We were visiting the cape in October. (It was dark out so people could not easily see into the car) After about 10 minutes of yelling at them to unlock the windows, we had about enough, the clothes went back on, and we finished our ride to the cape. 

Bringing Ellie and David down to the Cape was a big deal for me, not just because it was a weekend away with them for the first time, but we were going to a place that was near and dear to my heart. My Papa’s house, my grandfather on my mother’s side had passed away the previous December and left his house to my mother and aunt. This place has a lifetime of memories for me because it is a place that I went every summer since I was born.

My papa and his sister lived there since I was born. Whenever I would visit I would walk into the living room to see my papa sitting in his favorite blue chair, and I would run out to the enclosed front porch to see my great aunt knitting something, for someone. She used to make me the most beautiful barbie clothes, I especially liked the long wedding dresses.

One thing I never understood, my grandfather lived down the Cape, but he hated the water. That made it difficult for him when he had grandchildren that LOVED the water. He would take us down to the beach, but he would tie a rope around our waists so that if we went out to far, he could pull us back in. Perfect solution for him so he didn’t have to get in the water. Come to think of it, that may have been a good idea, I was fearless when it came to the water. At a young age I identified as a mermaid.

We walked into the house and the memories just washed over me. I hadn’t been to the house very much since my papa had passed. It was hard, and emotional. I went into a small daze when we entered the house. The salty air smell, then turns into the smell of bounce fabric softener as you walked through the door. His dryer was right as you entered; you took a right into the kitchen, small and old school with the lime green tiles on the wall. I remember my Papa working for hours in that kitchen baking bread, and chocolate chip cookies, and making a huge meal for the family every time we visited, of grilled pork loin and his homemade baked beans. 

I looked up on the ceiling and it was still stained from the very last time that he ever made that meal while he was alive. Grant and I came down to take care of him when he was starting to really deteriorate. We did not know it was cancer and no matter how much we protested – he needed to cook for us. He napped a little too long while the beans were in the pressure cooker while Grant and I were out. The pressure cooker exploded and the baked beans ended up all over the ceiling and everything else. Though it was traumatic at the time, I remember his enthusiasm to keep us fed as a heart-warming memory.

The image of him sitting there has imprinted in my mind so though he wasn’t there, I felt I could still see him.

The next stop in the tour of the house was the living room which was the next room to the right of the kitchen. Going through the threshold was a wave of emotions. I walked through, and even though I knew he wouldn’t be there, sitting in his blue Big Man Lazy Boy Recliner, I still half anticipated see him. The image of him sitting there has imprinted in my mind so though he wasn’t there, I felt I could still see him for a split second when turning the corner. This place was full of so many good memories for me, and I was so happy that I got to share this place with Ellie and David.

His house was right on the water. You could look out the windows of the front porch and see the ocean. I took them for a walk to some of my favorite spots around the area. My favorite spot to go was to the dock at the end of the road. I used to love just going out and sitting on the floating dock and feeling it go up and down with the waves. At a certain time of day you could also see jellyfish swimming at the end. The sunset on the water was also to die for. There is something about a pink and grey sky over the glistening waves of the ocean, boats floating up and down with the waves. It was so peaceful, and I felt like I was home.

While we were down there we spent a lot of quality time together. We played many board games, we went walking through Downtown, and David and Ellie tried their first scoop of Lobster Ice Cream. For lobster lovers it’s not so bad, but if you are not a fan, its kind of fishy. We went into a hat shop, and of course David tried on the silliest hat he could find! The shark hat! He was very good at making me laugh. We found an awesome Irish pub that we ended up going to several times while we were there, and we spent a lot of time walking down at the beach. 

After lunch at the British Beer Company one afternoon we went and sat on the beach across the street. David laid in the sand, I decided to lay with him, while Ellie and Grant made sand castles, or sand piles I should say. They did what they could with no tools. All of a sudden Ellie said “Did you see that?” Pointing out into the ocean. We all looked and didn’t see anything out in the water where she was pointing. We looked away, and she saw it again. We had no idea what she was seeing, she seemed to think it was a scuba diver. To this day, we are still not sure what she saw. 

While we were there we also did a haunted hayride. It was around Halloween and this would be a perfect way to get snuggles. It is strange, but I like to be scared. Its very exhilarating. It was pretty good, people with chainsaws always do me in though. At another haunted maze that I had gone to near my hometown in Vermont, I got chased by a guy with a chainsaw out of a building, and I slipped and fell into a big pile of cow manure. The guy tried to help me up, but I kicked and screamed for him to leave me alone. At the moment it all felt too real. So at this haunted hayride, when the guy with the chainsaw came out, I closed my eyes, and clung to David and Grant. I was not going to repeat the same mistake again.

The night when we all got back to the house, we were all intimate with each other. However some interesting dynamics and feelings came up that people were not expecting. Not bad feelings mind you, but new ones that needed to be worked through. David had a hard time staying present because he had strong feelings about seeing Ellie and Grant be intimate together. Ellie and Grant were in their own world and enjoying themselves, but David had never seen Ellie be intimate with someone else, so it gave him some new and different feelings he had yet to experience.

It goes to show that you may be completely ok with something, but sometimes feelings come up and bite you in the butt.

I supported him through this and said it was ok. We didn’t have to do anything. In the end it didn’t end up stopping him, he went down on me so that I wasn’t feeling left out. He was always so thoughtful, but I was still worried about him. It was something that we all processed later on. It surprised him though, that he got a bit choked up seeing it happen. Mentally he was ok with it happening, seeing it happen brings up a new unexpected feelings. It goes to show that you may be completely ok with something, but sometimes feelings come up and bite you in the butt. This is ok, it is all about how you handle your emotions and work through them. He did really well with it, where as if I felt the same way at this point in figuring out poly, I probably would have been crying. So I commend him with how he worked through it. It also intensified how I felt about him.

One afternoon while we were there, David and I were laying in bed watching a youtube show called Bravest Warriors, and I was very nervous. I was working up the courage to tell David that I loved him. I know, we had only been hanging out for a month, so it seems really quick. But we had been hanging out a lot, and I could feel my feelings growing for him. I kept thinking that I was going to get the courage, and then I would back away. It happened a few times until I finally leaned over to him and said “I have to tell you something.” He paused the show and looked at me, and I just said it “I love you.”

He sat there for a few seconds, a little stunned like he didn’t know what to say. He leaned in and kissed me. He didn’t say it back. I won’t lie my heart sank a little when he didn’t. I was sure he felt the same way. But all he could say was “This complicates things.” And what he meant was, Natalie would not be ok. 

Highlights/ Learned Experiences:

• No matter how experienced you are, or how ok you are with things happening, sometimes emotions can sneak up on you. You are only human. It is how you handle your emotions going forward that matters.
• Sharing sentimental things with people you care about is a special, heart-warming feeling. It made me feel closer to them, bringing them to a place that was so important to me.
• When coming out to people, portraying the accurate information is important, because it can skew people’s thinking of what you are actually doing. 

Grant and I had been together since 2006. I started dating him during the summer between my junior and senior year of college, when I went to go live with my father in Massachusetts on summer break. We actually started talking on Yahoo Personals. We hit it off after meeting, we were both really into Japanese animation (anime), and just doing nerdy type things.

One of my fondest yet most annoying memories was of going to Connecticon with him the first year we started dating. He was bound and determined to make a quick cosplay costume to wear, and his quick and “easy” costume was of one of his old favorite cartoons “The Maxx.” He bought a Mr. Incredibles costume, pieced together a lot of foam pieces, and then spray painted it purple on my aunts back deck the night before the con. I remember riding with it in the car, windows down and still getting completely high off of paint fumes. I’m glad he got so many compliments on that costume, because all in all it was a crazy experience in the end.

During the year that I was still in college, Grant would travel up to central Maine to see me every two weeks. He was so good to me. He would bring me home cooked meals that I could heat up in my microwave, and really made the effort to make our long distance relationship work while I was still in college. I remember when he came to my Christmas Dance Team Performance at the University of Maine – Farmington gymnasium! He cheered for the team through the whole dance, and then after we came back to the bleachers he handed me a beautiful blue velvet box. Everyone thought he was proposing at first, I was kind of relieved that wasn’t the case, at least for now. He gave me a beautiful pair of birthstone earings for Christmas. He wanted to give them to me in a special way that I would remember, and I definitely do!

After college I moved to Massachusetts to live with Grant. As a graduation gift Grant got me the dog of my dreams, a little pug named Maximus. He was and still is my baby to this day.  When we first made plans to live together, Grant’s mother Josephine asked we if could move in with her and Grant’s grandmother, to assist with her ailing health. Josephine needed the extra help.

The first few years of my relationship with Grant, I was on good terms with his mother. In part, because I wanted to see the best in everything. We got along, and did activities together with my dog Max and her dog, Terry, it was really nice. I should have started seeing the trends back then in his mother’s habits.

In September, things started going badly between Grant’s mother and her brothers. It turned into a huge fight, in which we ended up having to move out of the house we were living in. Luckily with some quick research we found an apartment that allowed us to take dogs. Little did I know, Josephine would be moving to this apartment with us. Grant and I got engaged in the Summer of 2008.

At that point a waiter came out holding a silver platter covered in rose petals, and in the center of the platter was a custom designed engagement ring.

One thing that was always consistent with Grant, he loved being a hopeless romantic. It was one of the reasons I fell so in love with him. He brought me to Disney with my father and step mom, and got a reservation at Cinderella’s Royal Table at Disney’s Magic Kingdom. This was an interactive dinner where you could meet all the princesses, and there was a dinner show. During the show the fairy godmother asked if there were any special occasions being celebrated that day. At that point a waiter came out holding a silver platter covered in rose petals, and in the center of the platter was a custom designed engagement ring. It was an Irish claddagh ring, with a pink sapphire princess cut stone. It was positively stunning. Grant got down on his knee and asked me to marry him. I was in complete shock and so happy. There was even a picture of a little girl in the background of the proposal, jaw dropped, it was priceless. It was a proposal that I can honestly say till this day, even though our marriage is over now, I will remember forever. 

After we got married, my relationship with his mother seemed to begin to deteriorate. As many couples do, Grant and I combined our bank accounts after we were married. At this point I realized how much money he was using to help support his mother out of her financial strife. Grant and I were saving for a downpayment for a house, taking on new car payments to make it work, we needed to lessen how much he was able to offer in future requests. As the financial support lessened, so did her enjoyment of living with me.

In the months to come, I felt like the passive aggressive behavior increased toward me. Making snarky and snide comments under her breath as i was walking through rooms. I felt on edge all the time in my own home. It got to a point where I had to bring up to Grant, that I couldn’t continue to live with her anymore. It wasn’t a healthy way to be living. I was actually starting to dread having to leave work at the end of the day, because I had to go home to a place that I wasn’t feeling very welcome. After I brought up my feelings with Grant, he tenuously agreed, and felt conflicted in having to ask his mother to find other residence. Even back then, I understood that it was a very difficult situation for him. I felt really bad that he was in the middle of Josephine and I. While I understand why she disliked me and saw me as a threat, we needed to start building a household of our own.  

When it was brought up to his mother that we we would like her to move out, it went over as well as you would think my previous phrasing inferred. Not well. She got angry and it was all my fault. I was trying to “isolate” him from his family. The family we agreed to for the past few years, help with her ailing mother? Whom we continued to live with for years later? I wasn’t asking for no contact – just the ability to have a household of our own. I didn’t see it as unreasonable.  

She did end up moving out. We agreed to keep her dog Terry as the new apartment she could afford didn’t allow pets. So we still saw her on a rather frequent basis. This seemed to work. For a while, our relationship got better. Grant and I were living our first year alone since we had been together. We were finally out on our own. I have to say, it was a nice year. The only thing we fought about was which way the toilet paper went on the holder. Not too bad, right?

Unfortunately, it did only last a year. Things were going badly for his mother with the relationship of their landlord. Things were better in our relationship now and we felt more secure in our partnership. So, she ended up moving back in with us. My understanding was that this would only be for a few months because Grant and I were in the process of buying our home.

2010 was a good time to buy a house in New England. America’s Yankee Doodle Town – it ran Republican unfortunately, but the neighbors seemed nice. In order to get the house, I was told we needed his mother’s help. She co-signed the loan with us because we were only a few points off with the debt to income ratio. We had all discussed, this would only be temporary. I felt that we had a verbal agreement that when Grant and I could, we would pull the loan completely into our names. Her living with us while we worked towards paying down our debt to refinance, was to help her out. Unbeknownst to me, this would be the start of one of the most difficult years of my life. Totally unrelated – I introduce Belle the Puggle to the pack of dogs in our home to keep your attention.

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Fast Forward…… the night that David, Ellie, Grant, and I hung out all together for the first time after my date with David was interesting to say the least!

It took many unexpected, yet pleasant turns. We all went to their place and had dinner, and their roommate Mike broke out his hookah. I had never done a hookah before, and was not a smoker, so hitting off the hookah for the first time felt like a complete head rush. I remember my body feeling as if it were high, but not the same as when I smoked pot. So this was nicotine.  Felt interesting. Not really my favorite feeling. It’s for the best to not partake often.

After hanging out all together, Grant and Ellie went into David and Ellie’s bedroom. I remember feeling a little sense of panic at this point, because Grant and I had not really had a full discussion about our boundaries. I remember feeling nervous and scared about hearing them have sex, and feeling really guilty for feeling this way. It was what I wanted with David. Working through emotions that challenged everything I was taught from my friends, family, coworkers, had the same stories, in the narrative of having to choose. While I was happy with Grant, before I met him, I would find someone exciting and new and felt because of those feelings I obviously didn’t love my current partner anymore. I was a serial monogamist. Having someone tell me that I could pursue those feelings as new people came into my life was liberating. While David was doing his best to speak on his thoughts about polyamory – I learned early that it takes a different adjustment period for everyone. I wanted this. I needed to get better. I could do this.

David and I continued using the hookah with Mike, and started making out on the couch. It was so nice kissing him again. The butterflies started fluttering in my stomach, and passion took over! We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I never thought kissing would be this much fun again!

After about a half an hour, David and I went to listen at the door to the bedroom. It sounded like something a little bit more than making out was happening. I remember immediately feeling sick to my stomach. This was the first time I felt insecure in my relationship with Grant. This was jealousy. I remember thinking, “We didn’t talk about anything further?” “Will he replace me?” “Why am I so upset? I want this.” These were all completely new feelings that I had to process and work through all while trying to play it cool and not lose it in front of this new person I’m twitter-patted for.

David and I went to go sit on the couch again and started kissing. He was running his fingers through my hair, and rubbing up and down my leg. Heavy petting, led to heavy breathing, which led us to go down on each other. It was an amazing experience, and it was so new and so exciting. I was still overthinking it, “Was what I did ok?” “Will Grant be angry?”

Ellie and Grant came out of the bedroom, looking bashful yet proud of themselves. I felt happy about escalations with David, but also wanted to cry because Grant and I hadn’t really had any conversations about what to anticipate. We all sat together and checked in with each other. I was feeling many different emotions, but overall I was happy with the experience. I just wish we had talked more about what we all wanted before we went into the situation.

We eventually became known as the Quad. 

None of us seemed to want to end the night. We were there until about 1:30am just talking, and continuing to get to know each other. At this point, Ellie and Grant decided that they were going to start dating as well. So David and I were starting to date, and Grant and Ellie. We eventually became known as the Quad. 

We continued going on dates, a lot of Karaoke nights! We also started hosting board game nights at both of our residences. David tried introducing a game called 7 Wonders. Unfortunately our gaming group was still new and couldn’t figure out all the complexities at the time. However, as time progressed and we played more often, it ended up being one of our favorite games to play.

One of my favorite memories from the beginning of our relationships was a really long walk we took together down Boston Rd. We went from David and Ellie’s apartment and we must have walked at least 2 miles, and then walked back. When we started the walk I was just holding Grant’s hand. soon David came up and grabbed my other hand and Ellie moved over to hold Grants. I felt so young again, feeling exhilarated holding two peoples hands as we walked down the street. This is not something I ever thought would ever be possible. It was dark so I wasn’t feeling worried about judgmental eyes. I was walking on cloud nine that evening.

When we got to the tail end of our walk. We broke off, Grant was with Ellie holding hands, and David and I were holding hands. We passed a funeral home on our walk back, and David and I walked down into the dark parking lot and he grabbed me in a tight embrace and started kissing me. So there were were making out in a dark parking lot, and as strange as it sounds, it was really hot and kind of romantic. If you get pass the part that it was at a funeral home.

We met up with Grant and Ellie again and continued our walk back. Ellie can be pretty funny sometimes. She was very excited about the walk and said “We should do this more often! We should start a new club called The Night Walkers.” We all just broke out laughing. Once we explained the common meaning of that phrasing she got beat red – “Oh my god, not what I meant!”

During the time that we were getting to know each other, David’s other partner Natalie was having a really hard time with the fact that David was seeing two new people. She had been poly for the past decade and had the opinion that you could not love more than two people at a time. She made this very known to David. We hadn’t even met each other yet, and I felt like she already had a hatred for me. David and I were growing our feelings for each other and David felt obligated that he couldn’t authentically say what his feelings were. Admitting his growing feelings for me would make her angry and he was trying to accommodate everyone’s feelings, yet hurting everyone in the process.

My relationship with David continued to progress. I remember when we planned time to to have sex for the first time. I was extremely excited, and also very nervous. I hadn’t been with someone new in many years. We had set it up for an early morning before work. It didn’t end up working out. He called me that morning, to let me know that he needed to go to another partners house because they were having a crisis. I was disappointed and a bit upset. I was greatly looking forward to this, and was in the middle of getting ready to head over when he called. I felt selfish for feeling this way because I wanted to be supportive. Thankfully we ended up rescheduling it for the weekend.

When we got together I was scared. Worrying about how it would all pan out with Grant, was I any good anymore? Grant and I hadn’t been intimate for a while. So this was also something that struck some feelings with Grant, and become something we committed to work on as we explored with other people.

David checked in with me constantly through everything. He was very thoughtful and wanted to make sure that I was completely ok. These acts made me feel more comfortable and confident and we had a lovely time. He complimented my dancers hips, which made me feel elated. I was on cloud nine until our quad trip to the Cape coming up. A lot of feelings from multiple people came to light and a complex maze of emotional navigation would begin.

Highlights/Learned Experiences:

• Jealousy- It is a thing. And it is something that I truly struggled with in the beginning. Though I wanted all the newness, I still had a huge fear of being replaced or forgotten. Feeling jealous is a completely normal feeling, even for people in Polyamorous relationships. In the end I have found that it is all in how you handle it, which in the beginning was not very well at all. It takes practice, and acceptance.
• Again Communication- Grant and I went into this evening together but we did not have the discussion of expectations. When new to polyamory, I think a lot of people don’t realize how much communication is actually needed. I sure as heck didn’t.  I can’t admit to being perfect at it even today, but being as open and transparent as possible from the beginning you will find to be most beneficial. 
• Quad Definition- When 4 people are interconnected to each other in various configurations. 
• Fear of Abandonment-  You are not alone in feeling this, especially in the beginning. Opening your heart and becoming vulnerable to multiple relationships that you are either a part of or your partners are a part of can be scary. The best thing I can advise is to stay open with the people in your life. Let them know how you are feeling, or how they can help you work through some of your insecurities. If you feel like your needs are not being met, have a discussion about it. Bottling up emotions until is boils over will be harder on your relationships. I know it was very hard for mine. I used to bottle my emotions all the time because I wanted everyone to be happy.
• Legal Situations- When doing legal documents and agreements with anyone, even family, make sure you get your agreed upon terms into a legal contract so things can’t bite you in the ass later (more story to come).

I felt as if I was doing something completely taboo, and it was so exciting.

I still remember my very first date with David, which was the first date I had with someone else outside of my husband since starting to date Grant. It had been a really long time, and I was way out of practice, and beyond nervous. What would I wear? Is this really ok? What can I actually do? Could I make out with him and have it be ok with my husband? I felt as if I was doing something completely taboo, and it was so exciting. 

Standing outside the door to his apartment I could feel my heart racing. I was working up the courage to knock on the door. We were hanging out at his apartment for our very first date. He was making me dinner, and we were going to watch a movie. It took me a few minutes, and after many of his neighbors looking at me curiously,  I finally gained the courage to knock on the door. 

When he opened the door, he welcomed me with a heartwarming smile and a big hug. To my surprise, at that point I felt less nervous. Something about his presence seemed to put my nerves at ease. He extended his arm and had me come in. Dinner was ready. He had prepared a garden salad with grilled chicken. During the meal we talked a lot! About our interests, our jobs, board games, and I continued to pick his mind about polyamory. We also decided that we were going to watch the movie “Cabin in the Woods.” I had never seen it and I loved horror movies. (A great excuse to cuddle) 

He was very passionate about board games. Here I was thinking it was board games like Monopoly, and LIfe, and you know, I love those games! I started talking about my love for those types of board games,  little did I know there was this whole world of board games that really made you critically- think, and problem solve. It was fascinating. Later on he and I would form a strong bond over playing board games. This was a hobby that I came to really like! 

I was so excited to find out that David also enjoyed singing, because singing is a huge part of my life. I have been singing since I was able to talk. I know it used to drive my older brother crazy, I used to sing all the time on the school bus when I was a child, and it used to embarrass him I think. I will admit when I was younger I couldn’t “carry a tune in a basket” as my Papa would say. But with chorus and my continued love of music, I think I am pretty good now! Karaoke would become a weekly date night for us eventually. Karaoke night at my favorite bar, TJ Callahans.

We continued to talk about our hobbies and interests while we ate. We talked about how I liked to do outdoor things, like walks, and kayaking. And about how I was working really hard on my health, and going to the gym daily. He was actually on the South Beach Diet when at this time, so becoming healthy was something that we both had a lot to talk about.

After dinner, we went over and sat on his couch and talked a little while longer, and then we decided to put on the movie. I was excited to see this movie because I had heard many good things about it. We sat next to each other and watched the first part of the movie, the whole time my mind was racing, should I hold his hand? I was getting so nervous about what I should do, and then all of a sudden he brushed my hand gently and slipped his fingers between mine. I got instant butterflies and a feeling of happiness that flooded over my body. This felt so nice, and it was so exciting.  Needless to say, my concentration was not on the movie for the rest of the date for many reasons, one being that foreign hand in mine. 

We continued watching the movie, holding hands, gently caressing each others fingers. And he turned and looked at me and asked if he could give me a kiss. At this point I had 100 things zoom through my head at once. -“Omg, YES!” “Is this going to be ok?” “Will Grant be ok with this?” “Yes, he will be ok with this, we talked about this happening.”- Finally, after getting my thoughts together, I leaned in and kissed him. I don’t know how it was for him, but you know when they say when you kiss someone and it feels like fireworks? Well, KABOOM! 

The kissing started out with small pecks, and eventually got heavier and more passionate. I felt nothing but butterflies. After maybe 15 minutes of kissing, we started watching the movie again, both full of smiles, and he offered to give me a back massage. We continued watching the movie and I sat on the floor between his legs and he rubbed my shoulders for me. It was all magical! The movie ended, and he still continued to rub my shoulders. I’m not going to lie, I really didn’t know what happened the last quarter of the movie (I had to go back and watch it again later.)

Then his wife came home.

I remember her face when she walked into the apartment, and saw me sitting on the floor between David’s legs. She looked surprised at first, and I started to feel panicked because I thought we were doing something wrong,  I think she thought she walked in on something completely different than what was actually happening, and then realized and said hello. 

David asked her how her date was, and she said that it went well. And then he casually, just asked if she slept with him, and she said yes. I remember the feeling of amazement hearing them talk so openly and casually about sleeping with other people outside their marriage. I watched their facial expressions intently, and they both seemed completely relaxed and happy. It was hard for me to believe and understand. But I thought it was amazing, and it is what I wanted. 

She came in and sat and talked with us for a little while. Then we looked at the time and it was getting really late, so we decided that it was a good time to end the night. I said goodnight to Ellie, and David walked me out to my car. We held hands walking through the parking lot, and I remember feeling like a teenager again because of the excitement of a goodnight kiss. We got to my car and he leaned in to kiss me again. It was a drawn out wonderful kiss, and he said goodnight. 

I got into my car and watched him walk back into his apartment. I sat there for a few minutes just decompressing and analyzing everything that had happened that night. Did all of this stuff really just happen? Is it ok that I am feeling so happy? Will Grant really be ok with everything happening? Wow, he was a good kisser. Can I really make this work? All of my thoughts were overwhelming, but my excitement and happiness was stronger. I went home. 

When I got home Grant was awake and waiting for me. He asked me how the date went. And I was really scared and nervous to talk to him about it. How would he react. So I started off slowly and told him about the dinner, and the talks. He seemed fine. Then I told him about the movie, and the holding hands, he still seemed ok. Then I told him about the kissing, I could see the wheels turning in his head with this one. It looked like he was trying to process the thought of it. I gave him some time, and he finally told me he was glad I had a good night. We set up a night where the two of us were going to go hang out with David and Ellie a few days later….

Highlights/ Learned Experiences:

• I learned that you can’t always anticipate how a date will go, It was important to talk about potential things that could happen on the date with Grant. This way everyone could be on the same page as far as expectations.  Communication was going to be key.
• I was already starting to get feels from the first date. This is called NRE, or New Relationship Energy. Being with David was new and exciting, and I wanted more. But it was also important for me to stay focused on Grant as well. In the coming months we would find this to be hard because our marriage was failing for many reasons. We were working to try and keep it together. But we will talk more about my relationship with Grant in entries to come.
• I learned that I could not wait for my next date with David, and even though it wasn’t quite a date, when we all got together a few days after David and I had the date, it certainly was a night to remember.

I wasn’t expecting this to be my second post. But here I am inspired to write to you all because I just had an amazing Christmas and wanted to share it with you. I feel that I have so much to celebrate this year.

First, my partner David gave me my gifts early, and started off this holiday season with a bang for me. I recently bought a new car, a RAV 4, which is a car that I have been wanting to get for years. So after I made the purchase, David bought me all weather car mats for not only the passenger seats but the whole trunk as well! It was such a generous gift, and also something that I really needed! ❤

The second thing that tickled me pink, is the amount of shear acceptance I have received, and visibly seen from my family. I will definitely go more in depth on this topic in later posts of the blog, but just in this past week, my sister not only sent me a generous gift of all her homemade bath bombs, soaps, sugar scrubs and so much more, but she also sent gifts for everyone in my immediate polycule. I had bought gifts from her to give to my partners, but she sent me so much more than I anticipated and wanted everyone to have something from her. I can’t even express how much this touched my heart. She never questioned me, and accepted me for everything I am, and I can’t thank her enough for including my chosen family as well!

I also had some people reach out to me after my first blog post a few days ago, letting me know how they are already learning new things, and that they relate. This meant a lot to me, and I am so glad to have readers who relate with things I have been through. Please leave comments and interact in my blogs! I love hearing from you. 

One of the people who reached out to me was my sister in- law. She wanted to let me know that she thought that I was one of the most fearless women she knows, and that she looks forward to getting to know me better. This seriously made my night! I never thought of myself as a fearless person, I feel that I am scared of everything honestly. But hearing that she thinks I am fearless and brave to do love the way I feel, made me feel so happy inside.  I feel so fortunate to have family and extended family who love me the way I am. 

Christmas Eve was a fun night. My roommate Mike made dinner for everyone in our current household. We currently have 6 people, 3 dogs, many fish, and a snake living at our home that we call “The Charming Hideaway.” He made an amazing Lasagna, and we had a Chicken Pot Pie!

We decided to have a household movie night and we all cuddled up on the sectional couch with the 3 puppers and watched, “Die Hard.” As Scott and David say “The BEST Christmas movie.” I still have to disagree with this, the classic “Year Without a Santa” will always be my favorite. It was a lovely night, we ended it with opening our stockings! We all basically had more fun helping the dogs open their stockings. They were getting all excited about their new toys, and of course the TREATS! 

I woke up this morning next to fiance, Scott, and my ever so handsome puggy baby Max. The alarm went off at 7am, and it was time to start our busy day of traveling around Massachusetts to visit our families for Christmas festivities! While I was getting ready for the day I got a video call from Amie and Patrick, two of my current partners that I date separately and together. They were opening their gifts. 

Amie and I surprised Patrick with a gift that we went in on together. Amie wanted to make sure that I could share in the experience of him opening the gift on Christmas morning! We got him a professional kitchen knife set which he has been wanting for a long time! Seeing the pure excitement on his face when he realized what he had received, filled me with so much joy! It was a great way to start the day! 

I said Merry Christmas David, and everyone in the household and Scott and I headed on the road. We started the day with my dad. My dad and his wife made us a beautiful and tasty christmas breakfast, then on to Scott’s dad for some “National Lampoon” christmas fun, and then dinner at his mothers. It was a beautiful day, full of food and good company.

When we got home at the end of the day we opened the christmas gifts from my mother, step dad, and aunt. They bought us so much of what we needed for our wedding in July! It was mind blowing! I am so thrilled that my family is going to be part of my Poly wedding, and that they are excited about it! I feel truly blessed!

I have been talking to my partners all throughout the day today, and seeing all the pictures they sent to me of Christmas with their families, and my metamours families filled me with so many happy feelings. I loved seeing my partners Amie and Patrick’s son open his gifts, and David playing with his girlfriends little girl at her new kitchen set. I also got so many pictures from my mother of my nephew opening his gifts I sent to him! It truly was a merry Christmas this year!

The best gift that I have received this year is the gift of acceptance.

So I can easily say, that though I did get many very generous gifts from family and loves this season, that the best gift that I have received this year is the gift of acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, and how I choose to live. I can’t thank my friends and family enough for this gift, because it has given me the courage to become less afraid to share my experiences. I love you all, and thank you for being a part of my life. 

I am now ending my Christmas watching “The Princess Bride” with Scott and my pug curled up on the couch! I hope you all had a Happy Holiday Season! Stay tuned for a brand new post on Saturday called “The Cabin in the Woods”, you will hear all about my very first date with David!

Words you many not know:

• Polycule: A group of people connected through dating.
• Metamour: Someone who is also dating your partner. People connected by dating the same person.

Have Yourself a Poly Little Christmas… Continued..

I just finished my Christmas festivities with the rest of my poly family! I went and stayed the last few days with Amie and Patrick, and we celebrated our little Christmas together with their son!

I was completely blown away by the gifts I received. They were extremely personal and very special. As you continue to read my blog, one things that you will find out about me is that I am a HUGE Little Mermaid fan. It is my all time favorite movie, and was actually the first movie I went to see in a movie theater as a child.

Well, Amie and Patrick got me a hand crafted Little Mermaid musical jewelry box that played “Part of Your World.” And on the inside is a hand picked quote by the two of them from the movie and they had it engraved. “You’re the one, the one I’ve been looking for.” I completely melted. I feel so lucky to have them in my life.

As you can see in the picture above, there was a beautiful little box inside the jewelry box. It was a special gift from Patrick. He bought me my birthstone necklace! It was positively stunning! I can’t thank them both enough!

To complete my festivities Amie and I built a gingerbread train! I couldn’t have said it any better than Amie, “I love this girl. We have so much fun since we both refuse to grow up.” Amie and I got really into building this little train. and may have put frosting on each others faces in the process! I don’t know I think we “NAILED IT!” What do you think?

My first blog entry, and where to begin. 

My path to finding myself has been an interesting road. Until 6 years ago I didn’t know polyamory existed, nevertheless that how I had been feeling my whole life had a name, and people live this way in healthy and ethical ways, and I didn’t have to feel bad about who I was. What? Mind blown.

My whole life I was taught about the monogamous way of living. I knew from a young age that, that way of life didn’t really seem to fit me. I remember as a child playing Barbies, and my Barbie would have a boyfriend and a girlfriend, or two boyfriends, or two girlfriends. It changed from game to game. I also used to have my Barbies have babies with multiple people. I remember keeping this play secret, because from what I had learned, this was wrong. 

His wife was going on dates, and his two other people were also married. I was amazed and in shock. This was an option?

Like many little girls, I grew up watching Disney movies. I loved watching the princesses find their prince’s and fall in love and live happily ever after. In watching Disney movies many little girls and boys fell in love with the princes and princesses. As a child I remember falling in love with the kindness of Prince Eric, the bravery of Prince Phillip, the adventurous nature of Aladdin, and the furry in me fell in love with the beast and his courage to learn and work to better himself. I may have also loved the arrogant, cocky side of Gaston as well. What can I say? I like a good bad boy. It was at this point I knew I wanted something different than what society and media was showing me I should want; which was to find my one true love and live happily ever after. I didn’t want to have to choose just one of the princes. They were all different and had characteristics that were individually appealing to me. Why couldn’t I fall in love with, and be with them all? Was that selfish? I grew up as a princess at heart and new that I was destined to find love and live happily ever after, the only difference for me was I wasn’t destined to find love with just one person. 

When I seriously started dating, I was of the notion that I had to be with only one person at a time. It was unacceptable to be with multiple people and if you were you were considered a slut. I spent a lot of my life trying to fit in, so I had to go by the books. In college I had a hard time staying with just one person. I would date someone and then find someone else, and felt I had to end things with the person I was seeing to pursue a new interest. It always made me feel awful. I really liked the people I would date, but felt trapped by the “rules” of relationships and dating. 

I eventually did find someone I thought I could live the rest of my life with. I married him, and I loved him a lot. We were together for over 10 years and were doing it by the books, riding that relationship escalator, hitting all the milestones in each step:

• Fall in love, check. 
• Get married, check. 
• Buy a house, check. 

Like I said in the beginning, it was a little over six years ago when my life began to change. I met a person who was a friend of my husband’s best friend. He was brought to one of the parties we hosted at our house. He began talking about how he and his wife were polyamorous, which he said meant they dated and loved multiple people outside of their marriage. This caught my attention, so I sat down at the table with him and just listened to his story and his current relationship dynamic. He was with his wife, and had one girlfriend, and a girl that he was just starting to date. His wife was going on dates, and his two other people were also married. I was amazed and in shock. This was an option?

For weeks after I researched all I could about polyamory, and I continued talking to my new friend, David.  He gave me some titles of books such as The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy and More Than Two by Franklin Veaux, Eve Rickert, Janet Hardy, and Tatiana Gill to read to help me learn more. I found that both books were helpful and gave me different ways to look at polyamory. I also enjoyed my conversations with David. He talked about how he balances everything and makes it all work. He also told me stories about his life and about his partners. He spoke so passionately and eventually I realized that I was developing a crush.

My husband and I, and David and his wife began to hang out more, doing board game nights, and my favorite, karaoke nights! The very first time we hung out, outside of a party setting was at Limelight in Boston! We did a karaoke night, and I remember choosing one of the hardest songs I could because I wanted to impress David (see the video below). As we got together more and more, and with all the new information about a new way of living, I couldn’t help but feel that polyamory was right for me. But how would I breach this topic with my husband? Our marriage was already struggling for various reasons which I will talk about in another post. It was a hard thing to bring up, but surprisingly he wasn’t completely opposed to the thought of it. But it would be a challenge to navigate as I later would find. 

When I brought it to Grant, I told him what David had been telling me about Polyamory. That it was loving multiple people, and being able to be with them ethically because we are open and honest with each other about intentions and what is happening. He did seem interested in it, but in the beginning a lot of rules were made, which we would find out later would not work.

I told him about my interest in David. And this was my first step into polyamory, and my first step into my whole world changing.