Coming into the polyamorous lifestyle I did a lot of research. I read many books, and talked to many people living in this lifestyle about their experiences. And I learned that there are many different styles that people have categorized themselves under in their own personal journeys. 

The styles that I was introduced to were: 

1. Kitchen Table Polyamory
2. Solo Polyamory
3. Hierarchical Polyamory
4. Relationship Anarchy in Polyamory 
5. Parallel Polyamory

What is interesting is that different people may not follow one particular style, they may integrate different styles together to best meet the needs of the people in their polycules, and what works best for them personally. The Wiki dictionary defines a polycule as “All of the people linked through their relationships, usually romantic and/or sexual, to one or more members of a polyamorous group.”

In this post I will be talking about the differences between the styles, and defining what they are. Let’s start with my favorite “Kitchen Table Polyamory.” 

Kitchen Table Polyamory

The Wikipedia page on Polyamory defines this as “a style in which all members of a particular polycule are comfortable and connected enough with each other that it is not uncommon for them to literally gather around the kitchen table. Practitioners of this style may spend holidays, birthdays, or other important times together as a large group. This style places an emphasis on family-style connections, not all members are necessarily sexually or romantically involved with every other person in the group.”

This is the style that my polycule has been striving to succeed in. Currently I live with my husband , Scott, my other nesting partner David, and his wife (my metamour), and another member of our poly family.  We share all the common areas, and all pitch into the costs of living. Our house has also become a focal point for our whole polycule. We host many holidays, birthdays, engagement parties, pool parties, and just provide a place for people to come and decompress. It is not unusual to see people who don’t live here, but are in our polycule at the house, and are contributing members of our poly family. 

This has brought so much support to our polycule as a whole. Some of my metamours have children with other partners, or are looking to have children in the future. We all work together to support everyone’s lives and needs in respectful ways. In our polycule it has bettered the lives of the children involved, because they now have many adult parental figures who love them, and help take care of them.

Solo Polyamory

Solo Polyamory is a practice of being in multiple relationships, but not having a “nesting” or “co- habitating” partner. Sometimes this is by choice, and sometimes people just have not found the people they would like to experience living with. This is a style that is open to interpretation. 

I have many friends in my poly circle who practice solo polyamory for various reasons. I have some friends who love to go on dates, but need their own personal space to live. Some people can’t live with others, and this is ok, and it is ok to have those boundaries for yourself. I also have some friends that are dating and still waiting to find someone who they feel they could live with. 

I have not personally practiced solo polyamory since I started on my journey, because I entered being married, and though I am divorced from Grant now, I have been with David since entering into this lifestyle, and he is now a nesting partner, so I can not speak from personal experience in this style of polyamory.

 I have heard from many of my friends that being solo poly when you want a nesting partner can be difficult. To them it seems that most people who want a nesting partner already have one, and may not be interested in having another. I could see this as being frustrating, and challenging emotionally. Be patient, sometimes it pops up when you least expect it!

Hierarchical Polyamory

Hierarchical Polyamory is still the practice of having multiple loving, and consensual relationships, the difference is there is a ranking system of the different relationships, where you have one person who is your primary partner. A primary partner is a partner that takes priority over your other relationships. 

Many people who enter into polyamory married, will drift toward hierarchical polyamory. It is seen as a safe route in which you can set up rules to protect your relationship. And this is ok, and works for many people, people can practice in whatever way they choose, It is important to communicate this when entering a new relationship, because not all people are ok with this kind of structure. 

I will admit I have come across a few situations where I have struggled being in a hierarchical relationship as the secondary. But this is normal to feel, you are only human, and no one likes to feel like the second and feeling like your feelings will never take priority over the primary partner. 

The hierarchical style is one that generally gets a bad rep in the poly community. Like any style it has its pros and cons. But communication is Key. If you are in a hierarchical relationship make sure to tell any new relationships that this is the case, and what this means to you, and what you have to offer a new relationship. 

Relationship Anarchy in Polyamory

Relationship Anarchy is really its own thing, but it does have a place in polyamory for some. Relationship anarchy in polyamory means that you look at each of your relationships with equality. No relationship takes importance over another. A lot of people strive for this, but it is not always easy. This is because in the end some people will get more than others for different reasons.

One of my nesting partners, David,  considers himself a relationship anarchist. He doesn’t love any of his relationships more than the other. But there is the issue of time. He does have to spread his time between multiple people, and some get more than others because of lifes’ circumstances. He is married and lives with me, his nesting partner, so we do see him more frequently than some of his other partners. 

There is also a common misconception in poly relationships, that because you live with one of your partners, that you see them all the time, and get a lot of quality time with them. This is not the case. Living together makes way to a new structure of living. We have to set up boundaries for space. We can be in the same house and not be together, also we have time with our other partners. Just because people live together does not equal a lot of quality time.

Parallel Polyamory

Parallel Polyamory is when you are in multiple meaningful relationships, but they never intersect anywhere. Many times one partner does not want to know any details about what you do in your other relationships, they exist separately from each other. The times that they do hear about things, is if there is something important that must be discussed. 

I guess the easiest way to explain this is, I am in a relationship with you, you are in a relationship with another person, but I don’t want to be friends with the other person , or hear about the other relationship unless there is something important. 

I personally find this way of Polyamory hard, because so much of being polyamorous is based on good communication. This may make it hard for some people to come forward if something happens accidentally. When practicing this style of Polyamory, it is ok to not want to hear the sexy details of other relationships, but always stay open to talk if it is important

My Polyamorous Style

My Polyamorous style has evolved over time, given what is happening in my life. When I entered polyamory I was married, so we entered into it in a hierarchical structure. Over time this had changed. 

I don’t restrict my love in any of my relationships. All of my relationships are different, and I love all of my partners differently. All relationships are going to be different. The differences in my relationships is the amount of time that I can give to each person. Scott, my husband, I see up to three nights a week, if not more. He is my anchor partner. David is my nesting partner and we try to schedule 1 night a week with each other. These are all negotiated times, and work for each of us. If it doesn’t work for someone we renegotiate. 

Balancing relationships is a lot of work and takes a lot of communication and flexibility for things to change. This is something I am still not perfect at, I struggle when plans change last minute, but I know that if it happens it is for a good reason. Be aware that how you feel about polyamory, and what you want for yourself changes over time, and your styles may change, or you may have multiple at once! It is ok, just negotiate and communicate with those that you love!