What is Polyamory?

When I started writing my blog “My Poly Life”, I received many comments asking what Polyamory is. That is a very interesting question because, I personally believe that there is not one way to define polyamory, because it means something different to everyone who practices it.  I guarantee that if you ask anyone practicing polyamory what it means to them, you will get varied answers of a similar concept. 

The Miriam-Webster Dictionary defines Polyamory as :

“: the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time”

This, in basic terms, is the definition of Polyamory. But there are many pieces to what makes polyamory, and what makes polyamorous relationships work and be successful. It is, like the definition says,  being able to have more than one romantic and loving relationship, but “how do you make that work?”  is a question that I hear frequently. This is a completely controversial concept to what the media and norm says we are supposed to do. 

The detail in the definition provided on Wikipedia,  I feel captures the essence of how polyamory works:

“Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, “many, several”, and Latin amor, “love“) is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved. It has been described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy“. People who identify as polyamorous believe in an open relationship with a conscious management of jealousy; they reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed, long-term loving relationships.”

I want you to sit back, and think for a minute. Let’s think about how many people we all love in our lives. Do you love your mom? Your Dad? Your Siblings? Your Grandparents? How about your best friend? Or any of your other friends? Do you love your pets? Why is it ok to love all of them limitlessly, but it’s not ok to love more than one person romantically? This is something that I had questioned for a long time. To me, there was no reason I didn’t have enough love to give, my love knew no boundaries, however my time did. But this has lead to the question of “why do you want more than one lover or relationship?” 

Well, why do people want anything in their lives? To better their lives, and themselves, and to  be happy. I have heard some people say that it is selfish to be with more than one person because you are not putting your all into “the one.” To me, loving more than one person is not a selfish act, to me it is a selfless act. I am sharing my partners awesomeness with others, and seeing how happy it makes not only my partners and my metamours (someone who shares the same partner as you), but me as well, and they feel the same about sharing all of me. 

My partners all meet different needs in my life. I believe it is unreasonable for me  to expect one person to have to be my everything.  In polyamorous relationships, being with  different people brings unique expeireinces to your life, and different people meet different needs. For example, it could be something small, like my husband Scott hates horror movies, so I have other partners that fill that need for me, because I love horror movies.  Or on a larger scale, my partner David is a socialite, he fills my need for going out and being around people, whereas I have people who fill my homebody introvertedness. Different people can balance your life in different ways. Well you may ask , don’t you get jealous? People who practice polyamory  are not exempt from feeling  jealousy and envy. It is all about how you process and handle it.  In order to maintain any relationship, monogamous or polyamorous,  it is important to have open communication, honesty, and trust.

Commonly Polyamory is mistaken for swinging or polygamy. They do have some similar characteristics, however are not completely the same. Swinging can be a part of polyamory, just the same as it could be something you do to spruce up your love life when monogamous. Swinging is the act of freely engaging in sex or group sex. Though there is nothing wrong with this, polyamory focuses on the connections and the building of meaningful relationships. People who are polyamorous can also be swingers, it depends on what the boundaries you have negotiated wth your partners are. 

Polygamy is based on marriage in which only one of the spouse’s, of either sex, may have more than one mate at the same time. This is different than Polyamory in that, practicing Polyamory is when people in committed relationships, either married or not, are able to find and be in loving committed relationships with other people as well. It is not limited to one person being able to be romantic with others, but both.

I respect how people choose to live their lives. If being monogamous, a swinger ect.  works for you and you are happy, I am so happy for you. I was monogamous a majority of my life. I grew up dreaming of finding “the one.” However, I have found that “the one” just did not exist for me. I was attracted and drawn to so many different people. So when I found out that Polyamory existed, I knew that it was the right path for me, and I became happier than I had ever been. Mind, having multiple relationships is a lot of work, and isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, but I am more authentically myself, and this made my life better. 

Living a polyamorous life is not right for everyone, and I can appreciate this. My goal is to educate people, not to turn people. I want people to do what comes naturally to them, and what makes them happy. But I am happy to teach you what I have learned in my personal journey, and even if it’s not for you, maybe you can learn to accept our decisions as well. One of the biggest  lessons I have learned is to not underestimate your capacity to love, your heart is much bigger than you think.