Bianca and I were starting to hang out more at this point. David was still away for a lot of the weekends with Natalie, and neither Grant nor I wanted to stay home with Josephine. So we both ended up hanging out with Liam and Bianca on the weekends doing various activities. We would do some board games, and we especially loved going to a local club to karaoke! I even got a nickname because I was going there so much! I became known as the “Blonde Bombshell.” It still makes me laugh to this day.

It was nice having someone that I felt I could talk to about issues I was having in my poly relationships without judgement. Bianca was becoming that person for me. It was interesting because she had a lot of background knowledge about David as well, because her and Liam had been friends with him for several years before I had even met David. 

Bianca and I started becoming very flirty. I had never really acted on girl crushes before, but she was a lot of fun to flirt with and she seemed to really get me. It was a bit of a struggle to navigate this situation because I was very close with Bianca, but Liam had been interested in me since David had introduced us at a game day. I wasn’t as interested in that kind of relationship with him, I considered him more of a friend. There will be more to this later on.

One weekend we went to a friend of Liam and Bianca’s apartment to play board games and just hang out. It was a lot of fun, and I may have gotten a bit tipsy. They had a beautiful view from the rooftop of their apartment that I really enjoyed looking at, especially at sunset. 

I had gone up to the rooftop for a few minutes away. I had been drinking a bit and wanted some fresh air. I had also finally been able to talk to David for a few minutes because he was away in Vermont with Natalie doing a cooking course. I had barely talked to him for most of the weekend, so I really wanted to take this opportunity to reconnect with him. 

I was starting to feel really insecure about my relationship with David during this time period. There was a lot of pressure coming from Natalie, and she was more persistent than ever that he needed to break up with me. There were more restrictions put on him, and she started claiming more and more time with him on weekends so that he couldn’t be with anyone else. She even wrote in his google calendar “Staking Claim,” on one of the days.  

I started becoming insecure in myself because of this. I had never been in a situation like this before. I was trying to think of ways that I could keep him interested in me. Make him see that I was worth staying with, because I was starting to feel like our relationship was walking a fine line, and she had the scissors to cut the string on me at any point. So I had decided the best way was to lose a lot of weight and become skinnier and more appealing. 

I had been on a diet for about a month at this point and had lost almost 25lbs. It was a diet that you took drops multiple times a day to suppress your appetite, and then you only ate like 500-1000 calories a day.  This was all in my head, and I felt desperate to find ways to show him I was worth it. This was not the best route to take, it ended up messing up my stomach for a long time, and my weight never had anything to do with it anyways, I know especially now. He never cared about my weight, he thought I was beautiful the way that I was. I just wasn’t feeling it myself at this point, and felt like I was going to lose him, so this was something that I could control. My whole world was chaos around me with Josephine, I was so afraid of losing the one person who was creating stability in my life at that point. Grant was so everywhere dealing with his mother that he couldn’t be there for me the way that he wished he could. 

Liam had followed me up to the rooftop. I didn’t know he was there at first, but he came up behind me and pinched my side. It was something that he did in a playful way a lot with me. I said hey, and told him that I was talking to David on messenger because he had a few minutes to chat. He was in the bathroom, which was really the only time he could talk to anyone when he was with Natalie. 

Liam started talking about the sunset and how beautiful it was, and I could feel her brushing his arm against mine on the railing. I remember thinking that this felt a little weird, but I shook it off. We talked for a little bit about the board games that we had been playing that day. He had introduced me to a game called “SKULLS,” It was pretty good. I told him that we should probably get back because Bianca and Grant were waiting for us.

Once the doors closed I saw Liam look at me, and all of a sudden I was against the wall of the elevator and he kissed me.

We walked back to the elevator and pushed the button waiting. There was  a bit of an awkward silence as we waited for the elevator. It finally arrived and we walked into the elevator. Once the doors closed I saw Liam look at me, and all of a sudden I was against the wall of the elevator and he kissed me. I was in a bit of shock and didn’t know what to say, so I was like “this isn’t a good idea.” He stopped and we walked back to the apartment. When we got back “Let It Go” was playing on the radio, I burst into the room singing and dancing to the song. Frozen was one of Bianca’s favorite movies.  

Things were a bit weird between Liam and I for the rest of the night, but we didn’t talk about the situation again. I felt bad because  I knew how much he liked me, I was not feeling the same way. In fact, I was starting to have feelings for Bianca, I didn’t know what they were, but it was something I was interested in exploring.

Highlights/Lessons Learned:

1. Don’t try to change yourself, especially in ways that could affect your health to impress other people. Do changes because it is something you want, and it will make your life better. I have made many mistakes, but I have learned from them. In the end he never even cared that I was a little heavy, he thought I was beautiful. It was a narrative that I was making up in my head, because I felt I had no control in this situation, so I was creating something I felt I could control.
2. Consent is important. Liam did not mean any harm in his actions toward me this night. He had a crush on me. But it is so important to make sure that people are ok being touched and kissed before you engage in the act with them. 
3. It is a lot of fun to dance and sing to “Let It Go” when you are a bit tipsy. Sometimes you just need to let it out and dance!