I had so many things to be thankful this year at Thanksgiving. Things were beginning to get better between Grant and I, and I had David and Ellie in my life. This was a year that we had decided to host Thanksgiving at our house for our families. Grant was a great cook! He made the most excellent Turkey that year!

My mom had come over a few days before Thanksgiving, to help me get ready for having everyone over. We have a rather large family, so it was going to be a full house. I was excited because it was the first holiday in a while that I could spend time with both of my brothers! They were coming with their wives, and my new little niece! So I wanted everything to be perfect.

This was when I noticed that she was starting to get quiet.

Mom helped me clean the house, and she helped me prepare most of the food. She has always been good about stepping in and helping me, know matter when I have needed her. It was also nice spending a few, consecutive, days with her, We hadn’t been able too since I moved to Massachusetts. However, at a certain point my mom started acting a little off. I knew something was up, even though she said there was nothing wrong. We decided to watch the Hallmark movie, The Christmas Shoes. This was based on a song that always made both of us cry, but we both had wanted to see it. This was when I noticed that she was starting to get quiet.

The next day was Thanksgiving, and everything seemed to be normal again, and the day went without a problem. The food, and the turkey came out amazingly. I had my great aunt visiting for this Thanksgiving. We had picked her up from the nursing home for the day, so that she could spend it with her family. Seeing her interact with my baby niece at the time was so heart-warming to watch. She loved babies, and my niece is definitely a social, and happy baby.

Later on in the day Ellie and David stopped by, after they were finished with Thanksgiving at Ellie’s families’ house. We introduced them as our friends at the time, my family wouldn’t have known the difference because we already had Grant’s two best friends come by because they didn’t have a place to go for the day. My mom wasn’t really her normal friendly self when she met them – I didn’t think much of this. 

While they were there I snuck them upstairs to show them “something,” but in all actuality it was so we could give them a kiss. It was nice to see Ellie and David on the holiday! When we went back downstairs my family was packing up to get ready to head home, it was starting to get late. I gave them all hugs and kisses and sent them off. David and Ellie stayed for a little while and then headed home as well, David had to head to Natalies that night, to help prepare for Friendsgiving the next day. I went to bed, happy, everything had gone so well!

The phone started ringing. I looked at my clock, it was 6.am, and it was my mother. What did she want this early in the morning? I picked up the phone and said hello. I still remember the conversation to this day. She said good morning and said she had to ask me something. She proceeded to ask me who David and Ellie were. This was weird. I told her that they were our friends.

I paused, in shock, not knowing what to say. How dare she do this?

She finally came out with the point she was trying to make. She said that Josephine had talked to her while she was there. Josephine told my mother that we were all sleeping together, and that she was nervous for both Grant and I. Josephine outed me to my mother. I paused, in shock, not knowing what to say. How dare she do this?

At this point I couldn’t go back, and I wasn’t going to lie to my mother now that she knew. I explained to her about polyamory, and that I was dating David while still married to Grant. She didn’t understand, and she wasn’t ok. She said she needed some time to process this, and I understood that. I hung up the phone, feeling traumatized. I just broke down crying. Grant came in the room and asked what was wrong, and I told him. He was just as furious as I was. This could have potentially damaged my relationship with my mother, forever.

Trying to process this, trying to figure out how to confront Grant’s mother about how uncool this was, and I had to get ready for Friendsgiving at Natalie’s house. How could this day get any worse?

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Figuring out what I was going to wear to Friendsgiving, to the event where I was going to meet a metamour who hated me, was nearly impossible. I wanted to look nice, but sexy too. It took me probably an hour, just to pick out the outfit. I decided on a pretty beige dress, with brown flowers stenciled on it, with a pair of brown knee high, high heeled boots. Classy, and Sexy.

We went to pick up Ellie at her apartment. She rode with us to Natalie’s house which was about an hour away. It felt like the longest hour, I was so nervous that it made me nauseous. When the GPS told us that we were almost there, I started shaking in nervousness. And then we got there.

We grabbed a few things that we had brought for the meal out of the trunk, and walked up to the door. David was waiting for us with the door open, and a big smile. It gave me butterflies, despite the fact that I was shaking and wobbling in my boots. We got up to the door, Ellie gave David a hug and a kiss on the lips, and then I got up to David and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I looked over and there was Natalie, giving me dagger eyes, with a fake smile on her face. I felt immediately that she did not want me there.

I remember she barely touched my hand, and made it super quick, like she would catch something by touching me.

David brought us in the house and introduced us. We said hello to each other and shook hands. I remember she barely touched my hand, and made it super quick, like she would catch something by touching me. I told her it was nice to meet her, and she just say “yeah” and went into the kitchen. David then gave me a kiss on the lips as she left the room, and told me he was happy that I could make it. Was this how the evening was going to be? Sneaking kisses while she wasn’t looking? Yes, that is exactly what it was.

I was sitting on the couch with Ellie, drinking this amazing Sangria that David and Natalie’s husband had made. It also, become my crutch for the night. Needless to say, the sangria became my friend. Finally, Eli and Bianca showed up. I was so thankful to see friendly faces. They both hated Natalie, but came to support David and myself. David’s good friend, and her fiancé came as well. It was nice getting to know them.

David and Natalie went back and forth between the kitchen and the living room, where everyone was sitting and socializing. David did not acknowledge my existence while Natalie was in the room. He was focused completely on her. I felt uncomfortable, and like a ghost to the person who had invited me. And only when she left the room would he run over to give me a quick kiss, and than follow her. I felt like a big secret, and felt as though he was ashamed of me. Learning what I know now, he was trying to make everyone feel comfortable, and trying to work with her insecurities. Which, is right to do, I just felt a little put to the back burner that night, which was hard for me because I was in the home of someone who obviously hated me.

I could literally feel the ice pierce my skin with her glares

As this pattern continued, and with all the glares that I was getting from Natalie, I was slowly breaking. I could literally feel the ice pierce my skin with her glares, so  I just continued to drink the Sangria, and get drunker, and drunker. Though this was not the healthiest route to take, and admittedly not the smartest, it was a crutch. Bianca was on the same train as me. When we all sat down for dinner, I ended up at the seat furthest away from David. I spent the whole dinner watching them be completely loving, and disgustingly affectionate. All the while Natalie kept looking at me , and when she caught me watching, she would pull David in for a kiss, or caress his hair, claiming her territory. At this point it just made me feel sick. I felt like I was a mistress that got pushed to the back. 

After dinner, I felt so overwhelmed with emotion, that I had to go outside and take a walk. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack right there in the dining room. I just put on my coat and walked out the door. I took a walk down the street and just cried. I felt not wanted, why was I at a place that I could feel the hostility for me? Because I was trying to be a good girlfriend, and try and make friends with another person that was important to David. I was failing at this, how could I make friends with a person who had no interest?

I lost track of the time, I ended up just sitting on a step near their garage, trying to gain the courage to go back in. But I really just didn’t want to, I wanted to go home. David came out and found me sitting there. I just broke into tears when I saw him. I felt disgusted, and hurt by his actions that day, even if he was trying to keep the peace and try to be considerate to everyones emotions. I just wanted to get out of the whole situation, but we were David and Ellie’s ride home. This was a losing situation for David as well, here he was in a situation where two of his partners were in the same place, and not getting along. I felt bad for him, but I still felt hurt. Though he still was giving me kisses in secret, I don’t think he understood how much it hurt me. He thought he was doing best for everyone, but trying to be everything for everyone can at times make it so no one gets what they wanted or needed.

I told David how upset I was, and that I wanted to leave. He was supposed to help with clean up, so he said he would need to talk to Natalie about it. She was not happy about him leaving early, which probably made her dislike me more, but I needed to get out of an environment that was not healthy for me to be in. Eli and Bianca left when we did as well. They didn’t want to stay any longer than they had too. 

When I said goodbye to Natalie, we could barely look at each other. After this, I didn’t want anything to do with her, but I would have to deal with the effects she had on David after any visit he had with her. He would come back and be distant with me for days because he was dealing with her insecurities and belief that he couldn’t love more than 2 people at a time, and she would continuously tell him he needed to dump me. He never did break up with me, but I was his big complication that he didn’t know how to deal with when it came to Natalie. He wanted to make both of us happy, and have multiple successful relationships.  But he was never allowed to act authentically with me, because if he did, he felt guilty. He still hadn’t told Natalie that I told him I loved him yet. He knew she would freak out. It became a continuing pattern, I felt like my relationship was dangling on a thin string, and she had the scissors, just ready to cut it. 

Highlights/ and Learned Lessons:

1. Please don’t out people who have not come out on their own. Especially to their family. This is wrong in my opinion. They should be able to talk about it, with whom they want too, at the time that THEY are ready.
2. Coming out is hard. I had it thrown at me. It was not easy trying to tell my mother exactly what I was doing, especially when she had heard of nothing remotely like it. And she had very monogamous views. She said that she wouldn’t tell the rest of the family, and that I shouldn’t either back then. This has changed since. But it was hard for me to pretend to be someone that I wasn’t. 
3. Don’t force metamours to get along. Yes, it is nice when everyone gets along, but sometimes it just won’t happen. It also builds resentment, and relationship strain. Some personalities will always clash. It is ok for them to not get along. The just shouldn’t affect each others relationship with their mutual partner. 
4. Drinking your emotions and cares away is not the way to go. I find it really just heightens the feelings more, and can actually make it feel worse.
5. David and I have learned a lot from this one experience at friendagiving. He was new to polyamory as well, he made mistakes as humans do. It was a learning experience. He was still learning, as I was, how to balance the emotions and insecurities of multiple people. Honesty and forwardness, though not always easy, we have found to be the best route to take.