Josephine lived with us for pretty much the entirety of the relationship between Grant and I. Having her move into the house started off fine, we all got along, but as the years went on, I felt like she became resentful over the original agreed upon living arrangements. His mother was slowly driving a wedge between us in little ways. She would find things to take issue with, whether it be that the house was too messy, or if she had an issue with the way I was doing things. When I walked into the room she was in, she would let Grant know she didn’t feel welcome in the house, and he felt obligated to tell me, to attempt to keep the peace. It was a cycle of drama that never seemed to stop.

She started to become more territorial in the house. We bought a single family cape style home, which is a decent size but not huge. She decided that she wanted more space than her bedroom to have to herself. She wanted her own living room as well. We had several shared spaces in the house, including a living room, dining room, 2 bathrooms, kitchen, and laundry area; but she wanted more living space to herself. She started to mention that she helped us cosign the loan for the mortgage. She began threatening us with lawyers. While I’m sure she felt justified, this put a lot of undue pressure on the relationship between Grant and I.

I was reluctant to give her more space in the house, because there wasn’t much to give. In the end we repurposed our dining room and converted into a second living room. This was not ideal, but it kept the peace. At least for about a month. I felt like she was always looking for conflict. Needing to thrive on having something to complain about. Was today going to be okay, or another multiple hour argument? Growing up family was important. You worked through your conflicts because keeping family around was important right? What am I to do when the man I love is caught between his mother and I? How do I protect my mental health?

What was started as a favor to us, in good faith by his mother, was turning into my living hell.

She was starting to make mean comments in a whisper, when she knew I could hear her but no one else could. If I spoke to her, If I moved “her” pot into the cabinet, it was a slight against her that Grant would be made aware of. Grant and I slid back into not being intimate anymore, and we could feel ourselves drifting apart. We recognized this, so we were trying to find new ways to spice up our life. 

We started to go out to bars and party more, which in turn got me drinking quite frequently. It never affected my work, but it was starting to become excessive. I was drinking my feelings away, which is also something that I had to be careful about because alcoholism runs in my family. This is when we met David and Ellie, and we started down our poly path. Looking back on it now, starting to explore polyamory when our marriage was struggling was not the best decision for our marriage. It was the best decision for me because I was able to realize how dysfunctional my situation really was.

When we were starting to see David and Ellie more, we decided that we needed to be honest with Grant’s mother about who these people were. They were coming to the house frequently, and I am sure she was aware of extra-curricular activities happening. So, Grant and I told her together, that we were exploring polyamory.

All that stuck out to her was “Swinging,” which in turn made the new nasty walk by whisperings to me “slut” and “whore.”

Grant tried his best to put it in words that she would understand. However may not have been the best route to take, he compared it to swinging. While swinging is perfectly acceptable, it wasn’t what we were. I tried to correct him, it was about having more than one committed loving relationship. We can love multiple people at a time. All that stuck out to her was “swinging” which in turn made the new nasty whisperings to me “slut” and “whore.” We felt like being proactive with information would lead to the best outcome.

We were wrong.

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Fast forward…. When I was driving home from work, the day that we were heading to the Cape, I felt like I couldn’t get home fast enough to pack up the car. What was only a 30 min drive home, felt like an eternity. I rolled down the windows and blasted my music to try and pass the time. Patience is a virtue, except when you are beyond excited.

When I finally got home Grant was waiting, and we quickly packed up the car and went to pick up David and Ellie at their apartment. David and Grant were in the front seat, Ellie and I were in the back seat. The ride down to the cape ended up being quite interesting, and cold. 

I saw a car with a headlight out go by,  and the child in me couldn’t help it, I tapped the sealing and said “Padital!” Little did I know this would turn into a crazy game. The terms of the game would be the last person to say padital when the car went by would have to take off an article of clothing. So basically Padital strip poker. 

This game was rigged from the very beginning. The guys in front could see the oncoming traffic before we could, so it happened that Ellie and I got down to pretty much nothing as far as clothing. Then, what did David and Grant decide to do? They rolled down the back windows and locked them. It was FREEZING! We were visiting the cape in October. (It was dark out so people could not easily see into the car) After about 10 minutes of yelling at them to unlock the windows, we had about enough, the clothes went back on, and we finished our ride to the cape. 

Bringing Ellie and David down to the Cape was a big deal for me, not just because it was a weekend away with them for the first time, but we were going to a place that was near and dear to my heart. My Papa’s house, my grandfather on my mother’s side had passed away the previous December and left his house to my mother and aunt. This place has a lifetime of memories for me because it is a place that I went every summer since I was born.

My papa and his sister lived there since I was born. Whenever I would visit I would walk into the living room to see my papa sitting in his favorite blue chair, and I would run out to the enclosed front porch to see my great aunt knitting something, for someone. She used to make me the most beautiful barbie clothes, I especially liked the long wedding dresses.

One thing I never understood, my grandfather lived down the Cape, but he hated the water. That made it difficult for him when he had grandchildren that LOVED the water. He would take us down to the beach, but he would tie a rope around our waists so that if we went out to far, he could pull us back in. Perfect solution for him so he didn’t have to get in the water. Come to think of it, that may have been a good idea, I was fearless when it came to the water. At a young age I identified as a mermaid.

We walked into the house and the memories just washed over me. I hadn’t been to the house very much since my papa had passed. It was hard, and emotional. I went into a small daze when we entered the house. The salty air smell, then turns into the smell of bounce fabric softener as you walked through the door. His dryer was right as you entered; you took a right into the kitchen, small and old school with the lime green tiles on the wall. I remember my Papa working for hours in that kitchen baking bread, and chocolate chip cookies, and making a huge meal for the family every time we visited, of grilled pork loin and his homemade baked beans. 

I looked up on the ceiling and it was still stained from the very last time that he ever made that meal while he was alive. Grant and I came down to take care of him when he was starting to really deteriorate. We did not know it was cancer and no matter how much we protested – he needed to cook for us. He napped a little too long while the beans were in the pressure cooker while Grant and I were out. The pressure cooker exploded and the baked beans ended up all over the ceiling and everything else. Though it was traumatic at the time, I remember his enthusiasm to keep us fed as a heart-warming memory.

The image of him sitting there has imprinted in my mind so though he wasn’t there, I felt I could still see him.

The next stop in the tour of the house was the living room which was the next room to the right of the kitchen. Going through the threshold was a wave of emotions. I walked through, and even though I knew he wouldn’t be there, sitting in his blue Big Man Lazy Boy Recliner, I still half anticipated see him. The image of him sitting there has imprinted in my mind so though he wasn’t there, I felt I could still see him for a split second when turning the corner. This place was full of so many good memories for me, and I was so happy that I got to share this place with Ellie and David.

His house was right on the water. You could look out the windows of the front porch and see the ocean. I took them for a walk to some of my favorite spots around the area. My favorite spot to go was to the dock at the end of the road. I used to love just going out and sitting on the floating dock and feeling it go up and down with the waves. At a certain time of day you could also see jellyfish swimming at the end. The sunset on the water was also to die for. There is something about a pink and grey sky over the glistening waves of the ocean, boats floating up and down with the waves. It was so peaceful, and I felt like I was home.

While we were down there we spent a lot of quality time together. We played many board games, we went walking through Downtown, and David and Ellie tried their first scoop of Lobster Ice Cream. For lobster lovers it’s not so bad, but if you are not a fan, its kind of fishy. We went into a hat shop, and of course David tried on the silliest hat he could find! The shark hat! He was very good at making me laugh. We found an awesome Irish pub that we ended up going to several times while we were there, and we spent a lot of time walking down at the beach. 

After lunch at the British Beer Company one afternoon we went and sat on the beach across the street. David laid in the sand, I decided to lay with him, while Ellie and Grant made sand castles, or sand piles I should say. They did what they could with no tools. All of a sudden Ellie said “Did you see that?” Pointing out into the ocean. We all looked and didn’t see anything out in the water where she was pointing. We looked away, and she saw it again. We had no idea what she was seeing, she seemed to think it was a scuba diver. To this day, we are still not sure what she saw. 

While we were there we also did a haunted hayride. It was around Halloween and this would be a perfect way to get snuggles. It is strange, but I like to be scared. Its very exhilarating. It was pretty good, people with chainsaws always do me in though. At another haunted maze that I had gone to near my hometown in Vermont, I got chased by a guy with a chainsaw out of a building, and I slipped and fell into a big pile of cow manure. The guy tried to help me up, but I kicked and screamed for him to leave me alone. At the moment it all felt too real. So at this haunted hayride, when the guy with the chainsaw came out, I closed my eyes, and clung to David and Grant. I was not going to repeat the same mistake again.

The night when we all got back to the house, we were all intimate with each other. However some interesting dynamics and feelings came up that people were not expecting. Not bad feelings mind you, but new ones that needed to be worked through. David had a hard time staying present because he had strong feelings about seeing Ellie and Grant be intimate together. Ellie and Grant were in their own world and enjoying themselves, but David had never seen Ellie be intimate with someone else, so it gave him some new and different feelings he had yet to experience.

It goes to show that you may be completely ok with something, but sometimes feelings come up and bite you in the butt.

I supported him through this and said it was ok. We didn’t have to do anything. In the end it didn’t end up stopping him, he went down on me so that I wasn’t feeling left out. He was always so thoughtful, but I was still worried about him. It was something that we all processed later on. It surprised him though, that he got a bit choked up seeing it happen. Mentally he was ok with it happening, seeing it happen brings up a new unexpected feelings. It goes to show that you may be completely ok with something, but sometimes feelings come up and bite you in the butt. This is ok, it is all about how you handle your emotions and work through them. He did really well with it, where as if I felt the same way at this point in figuring out poly, I probably would have been crying. So I commend him with how he worked through it. It also intensified how I felt about him.

One afternoon while we were there, David and I were laying in bed watching a youtube show called Bravest Warriors, and I was very nervous. I was working up the courage to tell David that I loved him. I know, we had only been hanging out for a month, so it seems really quick. But we had been hanging out a lot, and I could feel my feelings growing for him. I kept thinking that I was going to get the courage, and then I would back away. It happened a few times until I finally leaned over to him and said “I have to tell you something.” He paused the show and looked at me, and I just said it “I love you.”

He sat there for a few seconds, a little stunned like he didn’t know what to say. He leaned in and kissed me. He didn’t say it back. I won’t lie my heart sank a little when he didn’t. I was sure he felt the same way. But all he could say was “This complicates things.” And what he meant was, Natalie would not be ok. 

Highlights/ Learned Experiences:

• No matter how experienced you are, or how ok you are with things happening, sometimes emotions can sneak up on you. You are only human. It is how you handle your emotions going forward that matters.
• Sharing sentimental things with people you care about is a special, heart-warming feeling. It made me feel closer to them, bringing them to a place that was so important to me.
• When coming out to people, portraying the accurate information is important, because it can skew people’s thinking of what you are actually doing.