Grant and I had been together since 2006. I started dating him during the summer between my junior and senior year of college, when I went to go live with my father in Massachusetts on summer break. We actually started talking on Yahoo Personals. We hit it off after meeting, we were both really into Japanese animation (anime), and just doing nerdy type things.

One of my fondest yet most annoying memories was of going to Connecticon with him the first year we started dating. He was bound and determined to make a quick cosplay costume to wear, and his quick and “easy” costume was of one of his old favorite cartoons “The Maxx.” He bought a Mr. Incredibles costume, pieced together a lot of foam pieces, and then spray painted it purple on my aunts back deck the night before the con. I remember riding with it in the car, windows down and still getting completely high off of paint fumes. I’m glad he got so many compliments on that costume, because all in all it was a crazy experience in the end.

During the year that I was still in college, Grant would travel up to central Maine to see me every two weeks. He was so good to me. He would bring me home cooked meals that I could heat up in my microwave, and really made the effort to make our long distance relationship work while I was still in college. I remember when he came to my Christmas Dance Team Performance at the University of Maine – Farmington gymnasium! He cheered for the team through the whole dance, and then after we came back to the bleachers he handed me a beautiful blue velvet box. Everyone thought he was proposing at first, I was kind of relieved that wasn’t the case, at least for now. He gave me a beautiful pair of birthstone earings for Christmas. He wanted to give them to me in a special way that I would remember, and I definitely do!

After college I moved to Massachusetts to live with Grant. As a graduation gift Grant got me the dog of my dreams, a little pug named Maximus. He was and still is my baby to this day.  When we first made plans to live together, Grant’s mother Josephine asked we if could move in with her and Grant’s grandmother, to assist with her ailing health. Josephine needed the extra help.

The first few years of my relationship with Grant, I was on good terms with his mother. In part, because I wanted to see the best in everything. We got along, and did activities together with my dog Max and her dog, Terry, it was really nice. I should have started seeing the trends back then in his mother’s habits.

In September, things started going badly between Grant’s mother and her brothers. It turned into a huge fight, in which we ended up having to move out of the house we were living in. Luckily with some quick research we found an apartment that allowed us to take dogs. Little did I know, Josephine would be moving to this apartment with us. Grant and I got engaged in the Summer of 2008.

At that point a waiter came out holding a silver platter covered in rose petals, and in the center of the platter was a custom designed engagement ring.

One thing that was always consistent with Grant, he loved being a hopeless romantic. It was one of the reasons I fell so in love with him. He brought me to Disney with my father and step mom, and got a reservation at Cinderella’s Royal Table at Disney’s Magic Kingdom. This was an interactive dinner where you could meet all the princesses, and there was a dinner show. During the show the fairy godmother asked if there were any special occasions being celebrated that day. At that point a waiter came out holding a silver platter covered in rose petals, and in the center of the platter was a custom designed engagement ring. It was an Irish claddagh ring, with a pink sapphire princess cut stone. It was positively stunning. Grant got down on his knee and asked me to marry him. I was in complete shock and so happy. There was even a picture of a little girl in the background of the proposal, jaw dropped, it was priceless. It was a proposal that I can honestly say till this day, even though our marriage is over now, I will remember forever. 

After we got married, my relationship with his mother seemed to begin to deteriorate. As many couples do, Grant and I combined our bank accounts after we were married. At this point I realized how much money he was using to help support his mother out of her financial strife. Grant and I were saving for a downpayment for a house, taking on new car payments to make it work, we needed to lessen how much he was able to offer in future requests. As the financial support lessened, so did her enjoyment of living with me.

In the months to come, I felt like the passive aggressive behavior increased toward me. Making snarky and snide comments under her breath as i was walking through rooms. I felt on edge all the time in my own home. It got to a point where I had to bring up to Grant, that I couldn’t continue to live with her anymore. It wasn’t a healthy way to be living. I was actually starting to dread having to leave work at the end of the day, because I had to go home to a place that I wasn’t feeling very welcome. After I brought up my feelings with Grant, he tenuously agreed, and felt conflicted in having to ask his mother to find other residence. Even back then, I understood that it was a very difficult situation for him. I felt really bad that he was in the middle of Josephine and I. While I understand why she disliked me and saw me as a threat, we needed to start building a household of our own.  

When it was brought up to his mother that we we would like her to move out, it went over as well as you would think my previous phrasing inferred. Not well. She got angry and it was all my fault. I was trying to “isolate” him from his family. The family we agreed to for the past few years, help with her ailing mother? Whom we continued to live with for years later? I wasn’t asking for no contact – just the ability to have a household of our own. I didn’t see it as unreasonable.  

She did end up moving out. We agreed to keep her dog Terry as the new apartment she could afford didn’t allow pets. So we still saw her on a rather frequent basis. This seemed to work. For a while, our relationship got better. Grant and I were living our first year alone since we had been together. We were finally out on our own. I have to say, it was a nice year. The only thing we fought about was which way the toilet paper went on the holder. Not too bad, right?

Unfortunately, it did only last a year. Things were going badly for his mother with the relationship of their landlord. Things were better in our relationship now and we felt more secure in our partnership. So, she ended up moving back in with us. My understanding was that this would only be for a few months because Grant and I were in the process of buying our home.

2010 was a good time to buy a house in New England. America’s Yankee Doodle Town – it ran Republican unfortunately, but the neighbors seemed nice. In order to get the house, I was told we needed his mother’s help. She co-signed the loan with us because we were only a few points off with the debt to income ratio. We had all discussed, this would only be temporary. I felt that we had a verbal agreement that when Grant and I could, we would pull the loan completely into our names. Her living with us while we worked towards paying down our debt to refinance, was to help her out. Unbeknownst to me, this would be the start of one of the most difficult years of my life. Totally unrelated – I introduce Belle the Puggle to the pack of dogs in our home to keep your attention.

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Fast Forward…… the night that David, Ellie, Grant, and I hung out all together for the first time after my date with David was interesting to say the least!

It took many unexpected, yet pleasant turns. We all went to their place and had dinner, and their roommate Mike broke out his hookah. I had never done a hookah before, and was not a smoker, so hitting off the hookah for the first time felt like a complete head rush. I remember my body feeling as if it were high, but not the same as when I smoked pot. So this was nicotine.  Felt interesting. Not really my favorite feeling. It’s for the best to not partake often.

After hanging out all together, Grant and Ellie went into David and Ellie’s bedroom. I remember feeling a little sense of panic at this point, because Grant and I had not really had a full discussion about our boundaries. I remember feeling nervous and scared about hearing them have sex, and feeling really guilty for feeling this way. It was what I wanted with David. Working through emotions that challenged everything I was taught from my friends, family, coworkers, had the same stories, in the narrative of having to choose. While I was happy with Grant, before I met him, I would find someone exciting and new and felt because of those feelings I obviously didn’t love my current partner anymore. I was a serial monogamist. Having someone tell me that I could pursue those feelings as new people came into my life was liberating. While David was doing his best to speak on his thoughts about polyamory – I learned early that it takes a different adjustment period for everyone. I wanted this. I needed to get better. I could do this.

David and I continued using the hookah with Mike, and started making out on the couch. It was so nice kissing him again. The butterflies started fluttering in my stomach, and passion took over! We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I never thought kissing would be this much fun again!

After about a half an hour, David and I went to listen at the door to the bedroom. It sounded like something a little bit more than making out was happening. I remember immediately feeling sick to my stomach. This was the first time I felt insecure in my relationship with Grant. This was jealousy. I remember thinking, “We didn’t talk about anything further?” “Will he replace me?” “Why am I so upset? I want this.” These were all completely new feelings that I had to process and work through all while trying to play it cool and not lose it in front of this new person I’m twitter-patted for.

David and I went to go sit on the couch again and started kissing. He was running his fingers through my hair, and rubbing up and down my leg. Heavy petting, led to heavy breathing, which led us to go down on each other. It was an amazing experience, and it was so new and so exciting. I was still overthinking it, “Was what I did ok?” “Will Grant be angry?”

Ellie and Grant came out of the bedroom, looking bashful yet proud of themselves. I felt happy about escalations with David, but also wanted to cry because Grant and I hadn’t really had any conversations about what to anticipate. We all sat together and checked in with each other. I was feeling many different emotions, but overall I was happy with the experience. I just wish we had talked more about what we all wanted before we went into the situation.

We eventually became known as the Quad. 

None of us seemed to want to end the night. We were there until about 1:30am just talking, and continuing to get to know each other. At this point, Ellie and Grant decided that they were going to start dating as well. So David and I were starting to date, and Grant and Ellie. We eventually became known as the Quad. 

We continued going on dates, a lot of Karaoke nights! We also started hosting board game nights at both of our residences. David tried introducing a game called 7 Wonders. Unfortunately our gaming group was still new and couldn’t figure out all the complexities at the time. However, as time progressed and we played more often, it ended up being one of our favorite games to play.

One of my favorite memories from the beginning of our relationships was a really long walk we took together down Boston Rd. We went from David and Ellie’s apartment and we must have walked at least 2 miles, and then walked back. When we started the walk I was just holding Grant’s hand. soon David came up and grabbed my other hand and Ellie moved over to hold Grants. I felt so young again, feeling exhilarated holding two peoples hands as we walked down the street. This is not something I ever thought would ever be possible. It was dark so I wasn’t feeling worried about judgmental eyes. I was walking on cloud nine that evening.

When we got to the tail end of our walk. We broke off, Grant was with Ellie holding hands, and David and I were holding hands. We passed a funeral home on our walk back, and David and I walked down into the dark parking lot and he grabbed me in a tight embrace and started kissing me. So there were were making out in a dark parking lot, and as strange as it sounds, it was really hot and kind of romantic. If you get pass the part that it was at a funeral home.

We met up with Grant and Ellie again and continued our walk back. Ellie can be pretty funny sometimes. She was very excited about the walk and said “We should do this more often! We should start a new club called The Night Walkers.” We all just broke out laughing. Once we explained the common meaning of that phrasing she got beat red – “Oh my god, not what I meant!”

During the time that we were getting to know each other, David’s other partner Natalie was having a really hard time with the fact that David was seeing two new people. She had been poly for the past decade and had the opinion that you could not love more than two people at a time. She made this very known to David. We hadn’t even met each other yet, and I felt like she already had a hatred for me. David and I were growing our feelings for each other and David felt obligated that he couldn’t authentically say what his feelings were. Admitting his growing feelings for me would make her angry and he was trying to accommodate everyone’s feelings, yet hurting everyone in the process.

My relationship with David continued to progress. I remember when we planned time to to have sex for the first time. I was extremely excited, and also very nervous. I hadn’t been with someone new in many years. We had set it up for an early morning before work. It didn’t end up working out. He called me that morning, to let me know that he needed to go to another partners house because they were having a crisis. I was disappointed and a bit upset. I was greatly looking forward to this, and was in the middle of getting ready to head over when he called. I felt selfish for feeling this way because I wanted to be supportive. Thankfully we ended up rescheduling it for the weekend.

When we got together I was scared. Worrying about how it would all pan out with Grant, was I any good anymore? Grant and I hadn’t been intimate for a while. So this was also something that struck some feelings with Grant, and become something we committed to work on as we explored with other people.

David checked in with me constantly through everything. He was very thoughtful and wanted to make sure that I was completely ok. These acts made me feel more comfortable and confident and we had a lovely time. He complimented my dancers hips, which made me feel elated. I was on cloud nine until our quad trip to the Cape coming up. A lot of feelings from multiple people came to light and a complex maze of emotional navigation would begin.

Highlights/Learned Experiences:

• Jealousy- It is a thing. And it is something that I truly struggled with in the beginning. Though I wanted all the newness, I still had a huge fear of being replaced or forgotten. Feeling jealous is a completely normal feeling, even for people in Polyamorous relationships. In the end I have found that it is all in how you handle it, which in the beginning was not very well at all. It takes practice, and acceptance.
• Again Communication- Grant and I went into this evening together but we did not have the discussion of expectations. When new to polyamory, I think a lot of people don’t realize how much communication is actually needed. I sure as heck didn’t.  I can’t admit to being perfect at it even today, but being as open and transparent as possible from the beginning you will find to be most beneficial. 
• Quad Definition- When 4 people are interconnected to each other in various configurations. 
• Fear of Abandonment-  You are not alone in feeling this, especially in the beginning. Opening your heart and becoming vulnerable to multiple relationships that you are either a part of or your partners are a part of can be scary. The best thing I can advise is to stay open with the people in your life. Let them know how you are feeling, or how they can help you work through some of your insecurities. If you feel like your needs are not being met, have a discussion about it. Bottling up emotions until is boils over will be harder on your relationships. I know it was very hard for mine. I used to bottle my emotions all the time because I wanted everyone to be happy.
• Legal Situations- When doing legal documents and agreements with anyone, even family, make sure you get your agreed upon terms into a legal contract so things can’t bite you in the ass later (more story to come).